Deciding to let go of my persona…

I woke up this morning feeling a hollowness or emptiness. I had felt upset and emotional the night before. I woke up feeling fairly lost and bewildered. I didn’t know how to treat myself with my full respect and dignity. I didn’t know how to feel my full sense of worthiness in my own life.

Fortunately, it is slightly warm today, or at least not as freezing. It is about 38 or 39 degrees outside today, and luckily it is also sunny. So I knew I could go for a walk to a nearby lake without freezing too much.

I found the resolution to my predictament naturally on my walk. The fresh air and exercise allowed me to feel revived. As I got to the lake and looked around, admiring nature’s beauty, I saw a new angle to my issue.

I’ve been thinking recently about the social personas that we create as a facade for trying to impress each other. They never work, because we can all see right through them. Yet for some reason, we usually feel that we have to keep up this social persona, that is actually a horrible way of trying to relate to other people. Instead of being open to each experience, sometimes people go into a social mode of trying to create a mask to impress others.

I’ve been through a lot in my 32 years. Mostly traumatic during the ages of 19 through 26 or so. The traumatic moments have mostly left me grasping for something that will enable me to truly live well. I’ve been on my own sort of quest to discover some of the elements of living well, at least for me.

But although I’ve been investigating living well, I was still attempting to keep up this nasty sort of social persona. And I knew I was failing at that, not impressing anyone at all, and so that set up was quite emotionally painful. But I guess at this point, trying to keep up the nasty social persona was a type of habit.

So, on my walk, when I reached the small lake, I realized that it’s time to give up the patchy social persona that no longer serves me. No more attempting to impress some anonymous sense of other people in the social world. I’m pretty happy with this switch. At first I thought giving up the persona would make me feel pretty raw and exposed. But maybe not. I think my own social persona that I’ve been dragging around for years was a lot of obnoxious and pretentious crap. And I’m not trying to be too harsh with myself, I just really think it was pointless to attempt to be an obnoxious and pretentious personality who everyone can clearly see through anyway.

Where I’m writing on my computer, I can spy a blue jay sitting on the branch of the evergreen tree outside my window. One of the first beautiful birds of spring, here to herald in this wonderful new season.

I’m not sure if life’s emotionally painful experiences are always hanging around to teach us something. But in my life, often they are. I’m grateful to life for showing me new ways to live, even when I protest for a long time that I’m not interested in changing anything. Thankfully, life and the energetic universe is much wiser than I am.

Small Lake

 

 

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Up until recently I thought that practices about letting go of ego were overrated. But as I detach a bit from my ego, I am seeing the sunshine side to these spiritual practices and observations.

I’m defining ego in this case as the crappy, negative, judgmental part of the thinking mind. And my ego is extremely crappy, with much negative judgmentalness. I am realizing that when I’m happiest, my mind is nice and quiet.

On the sunshine side, I am feeling pretty darn blissed out off and on recently. Sometimes this allows me to merely observe my judgmental thoughts, but not always. My ego still runs the show sometimes during a typical week. But I’m really happy that my perspective on these matters is getting a little clearer.

I’ve been reading a great Goddess book by Ralph Abraham called Chaos Gaia Eros. The author, a contemporary of Terence McKenna, weaves a wonderful spell with his ideas and writing. My imagination was greatly expanded through this book. His ideas are complex and sparkling.

I’ve also been listening to a bit of physicist Fred Alan Wolf. He creates a wonderful & inspiring blend of physics and spirituality. He’s a pretty humorous speaker, which is cool.

I also read a page of Francesca De Grandis. Even with just a page, her wit, wisdom, and warmth of spirit is communicated. I finally expanded my mind and learned about the idea of warmth of spirit through her writing.

With the Goddess spirituality viewpoint and the warmth of spirit, something very interesting about life is exposed. Usually in life, at least in our current mainstream culture, we think of things in black and white terms that create many boundaries. The language we use may make sense culturally, but through all of these created boundaries, we are cut off from the natural bliss of just enjoying the feeling of being alive. If we are stuck in certain worldviews that restrict our natural bliss, that’s the miserable, crappy ego side of things.

With all of these great readings and ideas, I’m really starting to get a sense of weaving the intangible strands of life as if life itself is a dream. The more my perspective expands and changes, which was evident as I was reading Abraham’s book, the more I am awe-inspired by the hope and possibility that fills life. If you are feeling limited in life, most likely it is merely your restricted worldview that you are then projecting outward.

All of these ponderings are adding fuel to my inspired passion for a vivid sense of mythology. And this mythology is vibrant and interactive. It’s great to find my sense of purpose in life through studying these wild, untamed ideas and new expressions of life.

So, it has been an illuminating week of daydreaming and imagining. I’m finding that life is very fun and blissful when I allow a sense of misty unknowingness. I’m very much in the midst of my spiritual path, however, there are many worthwhile vistas along the way.

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Reading…

By Belle | Filed in Uncategorized

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Inspiring Moments! Make me smile…

By Belle | Filed in Uncategorized

This evening I was admiring the inspiring photos & pictures & quotes on Pinterest. I accepted something important about myself as I was thinking about things. This acceptance of a key part of myself led to a huge epiphany about my spiritual perspective on life. A few puzzles pieces started to fit better in my mind.

Our mythology is such a huge part of who we are, perhaps more literally sometimes than we think.

I guess I got a better view of how interconnected we are with the Universe and with each other. The theory of that became a bit more clear for me.

I feel very fortunate that I get the opportunity to enjoy & express being exactly who I am.

As we know… Life is beautiful. And life is magical too.

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I just had an epiphany. With all of the changes & growing that a person goes through each day, we are kind of re-born all of the time. I just get this feeling that everything in my life can be brand new & refreshing at any point. The only ingredient necessary for this growth process is being open to continually adapting to the fresh changes that are happening all of the time.

I got a rather harsh perspective on myself earlier today. I saw a bit of the obnoxious side to me that I usually keep on my blind side. But it wasn’t something to realize in a negative way. It was just like… Well, okay. Now I know, and now I want to move on in a fresh way. I set the intention to be more compassionate toward people, because we all have those harsh things to face in life sometimes.

I feel very fortunate to live the life that I live. Now, I want to use my good fortune as a grand opportunity to enjoy moving forward with all of the projects that are close to my heart.

I hope my personal insights are at least somewhat universal too. I wish everyone out there in internet land all the best. : )

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I am getting ready to launch my life coaching business. An important element of my life coaching will be spiritual path coaching. My main theme that I have created for assisting those on a personal spiritual path is my idea of Spiritual Freedom. I am in the process of writing an ebook about my concepts surrounding Spiritual Freedom. I learned recently that Spiritual Freedom may share some aspects with Chaos Magic. But overall, I think I’m creating something new.

Along with spiritual path coaching, I am going to be creating some dynamic e-courses. The e-courses will be a type of structure that complements spiritual path coaching well. The interesting thing about all of this is that I am a fellow spiritual path traveler. I create a space of acceptance for the coaching client. The authority stays with the coaching clients at all times. I may help with some supporting ideas, but the client leads the way. This is because the most important thing to me with coaching is… Empowerment! My job is to empower people to keep empowering themselves. This is my passion in life in terms of wanting to assist others when I can.

I will be starting to use my YouTube channel a lot more soon. This of course makes me nervous. But I think YouTube is an important way of getting ideas out there. Also, I always like getting to know someone’s main ideas through ebooks and YouTube whenever I come across a new author or spiritual guide. So I am hoping to do the same thing.

I am going to visualize a “cosmic invitation” to the Universe once I am ready to fully launch my small business of life coaching. This means I will put out the vibration that I am available to start spiritual path coaching for those people who are interested. In theory, this will help some people wander over my way for coaching. It will be interesting to see what happens.

The only way I am able to have the confidence to do all of this is to keep thinking about standing in my own power and standing in my own truth.

I also write songs, so eventually some positive vibe songs will be making their way onto the YouTube channel as well.

I really admire the ideas behind Free Will Astrology and the book Pronoia. These ideas have inspired me to develop my own concept of Tarot and Oracle card readings. I love Tarot cards and Oracle cards. But I do not see it as divination. I see it as inspiration and reflection. Of course, this process of being inspired and reflecting on the cards will end up affecting your life path in some small ways. So in that sense, there is something real and important going on there. But from my perspective, not divination, at least the way that I work with the Tarot and Oracle cards.

An additional aspect of my life coaching and this blog will be spiritual books. I am going to start blogging about what I’m reading. In this way you get to see what some of my influences are in case they may be similar to yours.

Well, my toes are cold. It is time to stop writing and go to find some socks. Namaste! Wishing you many epiphanies and much spiritual freedom… : )

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Making Soup

By Belle | Filed in Soup

This afternoon I made potato and leek soup in chicken broth.

It has been said before, and I’ll say it again: chopping lots of vegetables is very zen. It made me think that perhaps there are different types of flow experiences. Some types of flow require more skill and creativity than other types of flow perhaps.

I always make really strong, severe soups based around lots of onions and garlic. I’ve decided this means that I want to clean and clear out parts of my life. It also means that I am too hard on myself and could stand to lighten up.

In the spirit of fun, here are some soups and aspects of your personality. I’m just making it up, so take it or leave it.

Garlic and Onion based soups                          Severe, cleaning

Tomato bisque                                                       Fun and ready for life’s adventures

Chili and stews                                                     Hearty and strong (obviously…)

Chicken noodle                                                     Taking care of yourself and others

Vegetable soup                                                     Want to heal the Earth

Have fun making up more of your own!

In general, I think that wanting to cook soup means that you are in the mood to soothe and nurture yourself, which is a good thing.

Cooking and nurturing yourself is Good Medicine.

 

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Road trip

By Belle | Filed in Travel

We are driving from Maryland to Ohio to visit my sister. It is a 6 hour drive.

Recently I’ve been thinking about living spirit centered rather than ego centered. When I am only ego centered I feel grumpy, to put it nicely. When I live spirit centered instead, my mind is clear & I feel blissed out. I love the feeling of clear, calm bliss.

I just did a Wildwood Tarot reading. I drew the Seer card plus the Shaman card as well. It is encouraging to draw thoughtful Tarot cards.

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Thoughts of the Moment…

By Belle | Filed in Of the moment...

In my experience, life takes everything we’ve got.

We are all failing miserably with the brightest of intentions. It’s really beautiful.

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I wrote this essay back in September 2012. For 4 years, from 2009 through 2012, I was going through a dark night of the soul period. I could also call it a period that was my personal season of winter. Fortunately, starting in January 2013 and continuing, the dark night of the soul was over and I could see my path with vision restored once again. However, during the dark night of the soul, you have no idea when it will be over. So this essay is written toward the end of the winter season, not knowing that spring is right around the corner, but luckily it is.

After a dismal 24 hours, I knew that I should being to do things differently, yet I didn’t know how. I had diligently devoted myself to reading spiritual self-help books for about 4 years. During this time I became house bound, developed severe anxiety, and became superb at analyzing my faults. I wanted to become enlightened because I didn’t want to miss out on anything. While becoming obsessed with my own shortcomings, I forgot how to live.

I acquired many, many books. Although I felt cut off from life, I knew there was a secret lushness to life that I was missing. But it was there. The books lined the sagging bookshelves, patiently waiting to be read. I calculated that it would take me about 8 years to read them all.

But mostly I kept reading the spiritual books and wanting to be saved by god. First I had wanted to be saved by my future husband. After getting married to a very kind, wise, charming man, I still found myself waiting for something. I wanted to discover what made life tick. I felt impoverished in my soul, and I wanted to find the god combination to the lock on my heart. Most of all, I didn’t want to fully be an adult, and I didn’t want to take up responsibility for my own life.

Acquiring books became one of the great loves of my life. But still guilty. I felt like maybe I should be a trendy minimalist. But I couldn’t help myself. Every book was carefully chosen with the best of intentions. I specifically knew why I meant to read each book and what had originally inspired its choosing.
My severe anxiety was also from dwelling obsessively on the past. Rather than live in the present and make plans for the near future, I wanted to analyze exactly what had gone wrong and how I would fix it, the impossible retro active fix of the past.

I’m not a perfectionist who tries to get things right. I’m the kind of perfectionist who is very judgmental and gives up out of hopelessness of things ever being right, only seeing where things are wrong.

I became less and less energetic. I ate too much, to soothe my hungry soul. But regular food was not at all what my soul was craving. My soul was craving that I take on my life in a real way again. My soul was craving earnest plans and energetic, realistic desires.

Amidst the happiest time of my life, I was lethargic and lifeless. I was regretful and lost in clouds of negative thinking of my own making.

Envy of others who seemed to know what they were doing transformed to admiration. I tried to see what everyone else knew that I didn’t. As it turns out, we’re all lost in the mystery of life. Shaking life until it releases the exact terms of living wasn’t working out. I saw that happy people were carefree. Life is a mystery. Being carefree is an attitude choice.

I listened to a podcast about kundalini energy being released. The ego mind becoming one with the universe. It was no longer what I wanted. Enlightenment is not what I wanted it to be, and I didn’t want it any more.

What I want is the richness of the material world, in a meaningful way. I want to read people’s stories. I want the lush comfort of the tangible.
During these three years of lethargy and refusal of life, knitting has been one of my favorite pursuits. Knitting is not at all flashy. You can’t really explain the appeal. It’s a counter balance to the otherwise frantic pace of current living. There’s no reason to knit these days except out of sheer delight. It is much faster and cheaper to go to a large store and buy a hat or scarf for ten dollars.

Life isn’t what I thought it would be. It’s not what I thought I wanted. I wanted to conquer life, twist life into submission, and demand that this great mysterious dragon of life give me its secrets. Fortunately, life is bigger than I am, and I can’t win. Certainly I can’t win by demands. And certainly I can’t even win by pretending that life is a competition.

I still attempt to be hyper aware of all my flaws. But gradually I’m finding that being ordinary is lovely. Simply blending in with the crowd of dazzling people, admiring nature, knitting. It is enough. I didn’t need to become an astronaut like I wanted to in fourth grade. I’m okay. I appreciate my simple, lush life.

I want to read the books on my shelves. I want to write my reflections. I want to live, to experience the moments of my life. I’m okay, and it’s enough.

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