As I’ve grown up, I’ve primarily been a pretty darn egocentric person. And this was before I had even heard of the concept of the ego, however people choose to define it.
Anyway, I started off today being pretty egocentric, as usual. I finally got to the point of kind of languishing in nonsense. Just in terms of my “goals” not matching up with the reality of daily life. So, the worst of my ego sense of things wanted to go one route, but I had a feeling it was destined to be silly and unreasonable if I kept that perspective.
At one point today I sat down and I was journaling. I was writing a long disclaimer that I wanted to add to the front of my story that I’ve been working on the past few years. I had a realization at the conclusion of the journaling. I realized I don’t need to care about other people’s opinions. In fact, I’ve been mostly projecting ideas my own ego has about life and making it seem like what I would imagine other people could think in a judgmental way.
Part of the realization was that, there is no sense in having a competitive perspective on life. I can be my own best unique person. But I can never be “the best” in a competitive way that puts me in contrast to others. Stepping out of the competitive mind frame was extremely refreshing.
Being egocentric to me has meant wanting to be the center of attention in different ways, and I had been thinking that the best way to be the center of attention would be to “be the best.” Like, somehow elbow my way to the “top” in some kind of social way, and then I planned on being incredibly happy.
Obviously, this egocentric “logic” is very flawed. As soon as I was finally able to step out of the competitive mind frame, I felt a huge sigh of relief. Now I could actually be happy, from a heart and soul way instead. This type of happiness and contentment happens now, in the present. There’s no waiting around for some other type of imagined reward.
I’ve been cultivating the past few years a healthy and enjoyable sense of solitude. At its best, my solitude times are heart-warming. But often, my egocentric side would cause me to be pretty darn unhappy for no real reason.
For one thing, I noticed earlier this week that I’ve been living in my head and thinking about the past too much. If I’m flowing with the present moment, my life is good and I can feel contentment and happiness.
After my realization that included being my unique self in a comfortable and non-competitive way, I have already found myself with a lot more time and enthusiasm for my creative projects. Before, my creative projects were kind of being used by my egocentric perspective as a means to an end. Like, maybe I can do something “impressive” and in that way win the center of attention and in that way find happiness. But of course, there’s a kind of weird stench of ick! that comes with trying to impress others. It just doesn’t work, and it’s just plain not worth it.
So, I want to write these weird stories and self-publish them. I want to record my songs and self publish albums of my own music. But it’s a very simple and wholesome contentment. I will enjoy the daily writing process, and the daily music recording process. I won’t be waiting for some pay off instead. I won’t be attempting to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror of social acceptance. And hopefully, I’ll be able to listen and support others in an even better way because I won’t be as self-centered.
After so much to learn today in a natural way, I feel like one of the best things about life is our personal ability to determine our own perspectives and attitudes. Even if it took a while, eventually I figured out that it was painful to remain so egocentric, and that it feels much better to have a balanced sense of healthy contentment. It’s almost a subtle attitude shift, but it makes a big difference.
I hope I remember what I have learned today. And if I forget, I hope I find out again.