Deciding to let go of my persona…
I woke up this morning feeling a hollowness or emptiness. I had felt upset and emotional the night before. I woke up feeling fairly lost and bewildered. I didn’t know how to treat myself with my full respect and dignity. I didn’t know how to feel my full sense of worthiness in my own life.
Fortunately, it is slightly warm today, or at least not as freezing. It is about 38 or 39 degrees outside today, and luckily it is also sunny. So I knew I could go for a walk to a nearby lake without freezing too much.
I found the resolution to my predictament naturally on my walk. The fresh air and exercise allowed me to feel revived. As I got to the lake and looked around, admiring nature’s beauty, I saw a new angle to my issue.
I’ve been thinking recently about the social personas that we create as a facade for trying to impress each other. They never work, because we can all see right through them. Yet for some reason, we usually feel that we have to keep up this social persona, that is actually a horrible way of trying to relate to other people. Instead of being open to each experience, sometimes people go into a social mode of trying to create a mask to impress others.
I’ve been through a lot in my 32 years. Mostly traumatic during the ages of 19 through 26 or so. The traumatic moments have mostly left me grasping for something that will enable me to truly live well. I’ve been on my own sort of quest to discover some of the elements of living well, at least for me.
But although I’ve been investigating living well, I was still attempting to keep up this nasty sort of social persona. And I knew I was failing at that, not impressing anyone at all, and so that set up was quite emotionally painful. But I guess at this point, trying to keep up the nasty social persona was a type of habit.
So, on my walk, when I reached the small lake, I realized that it’s time to give up the patchy social persona that no longer serves me. No more attempting to impress some anonymous sense of other people in the social world. I’m pretty happy with this switch. At first I thought giving up the persona would make me feel pretty raw and exposed. But maybe not. I think my own social persona that I’ve been dragging around for years was a lot of obnoxious and pretentious crap. And I’m not trying to be too harsh with myself, I just really think it was pointless to attempt to be an obnoxious and pretentious personality who everyone can clearly see through anyway.
Where I’m writing on my computer, I can spy a blue jay sitting on the branch of the evergreen tree outside my window. One of the first beautiful birds of spring, here to herald in this wonderful new season.
I’m not sure if life’s emotionally painful experiences are always hanging around to teach us something. But in my life, often they are. I’m grateful to life for showing me new ways to live, even when I protest for a long time that I’m not interested in changing anything. Thankfully, life and the energetic universe is much wiser than I am.