i hate that i don't want to post this

*my mom is the one with her eyes closed. and my aunt brenda's glasses are to die for*

i love the old photos we have of our families. i love that they are black and white. i especially love the ones from the 1950-1960s. i love the fashion. i love how meticulate everyone was with their hair, clothes, shoes, cars, houses.

and after sitting back and admiring, i ask myself. how did my grandma do it? 6 kids, clean house, homemade everything, sewed all the clothes, mended all the clothes, scrubbed out all the stains, washed all the dishes, served countless other families, donated to charities, church callings, etc. etc. etc. and to top it off she was married at 32, had her last baby at around 43, a convert to our church, a full time nurse when she met my grandpa, awesome tennis player and an extremely intelligent woman (now you know why i named lucy after her).

the only answer i can think of, is she was a hard worker. it didn't matter if she didn't WANT to do the dishes, or clean the laundry, or scrub the floors or trim the fat off the roast, or dice the vegetables, or mend the same seam for the hundredth time. you just did it. because you couldn't just run to costco to buy another package of socks because you have none that match (guilty), or buy premade, frozen dinners at the grocery store (guilty), or order your clothes on old navy when there is a huge clearance sale (guilty).  you did all the work and you didn't complain. i remember one time visiting when she was 95, yes 95, and she was out in the arizona sweltering heat sweeping the porch. "grandma!" i said. "come in here, it's too hot outside." she looked straight at me and asked, "well, are you going to do it?"  and sheepishly, i said yes, and grabbed the broom from her before she fainted from heat stroke.

 but now, well. we can say we don't want to something, and not do it; and no one bats an eye. we can get away with not learning how to cook a roast, or mend socks, or clean your own house or any of those things because we can pay someone else can do it for us. and let's face it, who does those things today anyway? and we can tell ourselves we are just too tired to put stuff away or fold things in the dryer, or wash the dishes tomorrow. because that is the normal.  it is easy and normal now to be selfish, self-absorbed and lazy, and put all the blame on something, or someone else.

but today, i'm going to suck it up and just do it. do it because it needs to be done and there is no one else who's going to volunteer for the job. this is what i do, and gosh darn it, i'm going to do it well.  i am going  to take more joy in the doing, and the making, and the mending, and the sitting down and really play with my kids. really enjoy them and teach them. and i'd like how to learn how do do more and do it more efficiently. obviously i know that this is near impossible with a newborn in the house. but tonight, instead of watching mindless tv, i'll pick up the one of 100 books i have on my shelf that are waiting to be read.

and i know it's not going to happen in one instant, but i will try to take better care of myself, the girls, and ty and the house. and i believe that is a sacred thing, to take care of your home and your kids. thank goodness i think that, because that is what i do. and i would like to be more proud of it.

oh, and i'd like to wear circle skirts every day too. i am so in love with them right now.

and i am upset that i didn't want to post this, as i would worry what people would think. but hello, i write this for moi and my kids and husband.  and aren't we all entitled to our opinions?