sometimes i get mad at stuff

last july i was sitting on my fat butt. hormonal, pregnant, medicated, depressed, desperate.  it was a long summer that i don't think about.  this is the first sign that it must have been horrible-complete mental blockage. my memories start up from the moment my water broke on september 24, 2009. so i guess i remember 3 months of the end of that year.

i don' t think about what i did to have a full term baby very often. i'd like to pretend i was like any normal woman whose worst problems were morning sickness, chubby hands and feet, vericose veins, back aches and difficulty sleeping.  wouldn't that be a dreamland? but in all reality, phoebe sucked. don't worry though, she is making up for it in spades as a  really badical baby outside of my uterus. i dare anyone to meet her and not melt like butter with a corn on the cob rolling on it. she is perfect in every way, with beautiful crystal blue eyes to boot.

but now, after phoebe, when i see pregnant women doing crazy physical things i get mad. like running marathons (really? what are you trying to prove?), traveling SUPER late in their pregancies, or dancing like this at 38 weeks. oh who am i kidding? i get mad just when they can clean their homes and wear cute clothes and travel at all during ANY time of their pregnancy. i realize all of this hatred stems from jealousy and pride, just like always. but it doesn't stop me from hurting a little inside when i see a pregnant mom carrying around her kids everywhere. or swimming with them. walking with them. playing with them in the grass.  dude, i totally suck for being mad at stuff like that.

but yesterday, after a suspicious facebook status update i called my cousin steph. we have a lot in common, us two. ballerinas. english majors. married awesome husbands. roommates. soccer. track. books. love of travel and all things good. same grandparents and unfortunately, now, {bedrest}.

how i loathe and despise that word.

when we talked about all the stuff going on, and knew that {bedrest} was coming my mind flooded with emotions. i felt for her 100%. i wish i were close to her, to drop off fluffy books and chocolate treats and play legos with her darling boys. cook her indian food and rub her feet and tell her it's all going to be worth it. but i can't.

so i'm asking a favor. if you could drop by her blog and leave her a comment? tell her she is awesome. tell her it is worth it. tell her you believe in her. i know it sounds crazy, but do it even if you never leave comments. even if you don't even know her. it will make such a difference.

and in case you were wondering, here is a list of ideas of what to do for a woman on bedrest:

 -stopping by to say hello. it makes the visit much sweeter if a treat or old copies of Real Simple magazine are involved.
-calling to listen and chat. be prepared for long chats as she has a lot more time on her hands than you do.
 -emails. especially ones that are funny, hilarious, or both (preferably).
 -homemade meals for her family that are healthy. especially little treats for the kiddos. one of our friends made a super easy princess cake for the girls and they went GA GA over it. totally made the month. yes, month.
-sending text messages.
-sending text photo messages of you making silly faces and a hello.
-stopping by to see if they need library books dropped off at the library, groceries picked up, back to school supplies purchased, and even if they say no. do it anyway.
- tell her she looks so good and cute today. for real-lie through your teeth. one compliment could help me through an entire week. i AM that vain.
-send toys for her kids from the dollar store with special notes just for them.
-picking up the kids for play dates.
-clothes for the baby
-special notes of love and encouragement.
-and most importantly, prayers. for her, for her baby, for her husband and family that are supporting her. unfortunately, {bedrest} is hardest on the husband and kids.

so dear steph, 

here's to you. i think you're awesome, and the whole world does too. (cheesy enough?)

love, annie
 curtis families in 1982, right before grandpa passed.
l-r:aunt lynne, scott, danna, roger, granny, mom,
joseph, grandpa, me, billy, russ, stephanie, chris, sarah, doug
am i the only one totally digging joe and scott's socks?


what was that again?

"mommy i poooooppppped!" - abby screaming from the bathroom.

i whipped my head around in the kitchen and perked up to hear what i thought i heard.

"mommmmmmmy i'mmmm pooooopyyyyy!"-abby again

i couldn't believe it. yes!!!! abby pooped, on the actual toilet. wait a minute, she pooped on the potty yesterday also.  i didn't have to change a dirty pull up two nights in a row. sweet mystery of life i've finally found you.

since the day that we have moved my 3 year old has number two'd in her pullup EVERY single NIGHT.  she didn't do this before, at all. but somehow since we've moved she saves everything up until bedtime. guaranteed, 10-15 minutes after giving kisses goodnight, i've got to go in and change her.

and taking the ever so wise advice of my mother, i completely ignored it. going on a 4 day trip? grab 8 pullups. one for a dookie, and the other to protect from pee pee incidents. yes, i know this is increasing my carbon footprint but i'm also saving the pharmaceutical companies from bottling up drugs for me later on.

this is so exciting for me as a mother. you know, having a child poop in the toilet is HUGE.
i'm hoping it sticks.
i'm hoping this is a permanent pattern.
because that would be swaheeeet.

while typing this it made me think of the funniest butt wiping story i know. i hope my family will forgive me for publishing this {fingers crossed}.  a looong time ago my brother and sister and their spouses and very small children lived in the same apartment complex. my sister had a shin dig at her place and we were all over there eating tons of food and chatting it up on her SO FREAKING hard sectional couch that i believe was free. please tell me you didn't pay money for that danna.

anyways, my sister in law jill is an awesome mom and always has socially respectable and polite children with beautiful clothes and hair. sigh. sigh. sigh.  her child would never scream, "would someone come and wipe my butt!" through the hallway. no way, she is on her game girl. so they had a system where a little bell was on top of the toilet. when someone was in need of some, ahem, wiping, the little bell would ring.

back to the party. we're laughing and talking (because that's what curtis' are really good at) and i hear this faint little girl voice. it was singing, "ring a diiing a ding adiiiiiiiiing".  and then again, "ring a ling a ling a liiiiiing". huh? we finally all shut up to hear little niece jess, who had apprently dropped off some friends at the pool, improving a bell in the bathroom. because hey, there wasn't one was there?  but now she is all grown up, and instead my daughter is yelling, "mooommmy, wiiipe meee!".

i wonder how much a 12 pack of bells is?

the day i bought my first can of formula

hello, my name is annie and i'm a breastfeeding snob.  i was in denial about this fact until i found myself in target in the formula and "bottle" sections having a nervous breakdown.   what was i doing there in the first place?  well, we had just returned from a 2hr+ dr's appointment where all three girls were screaming at the top of their lungs about shots. Phoebe first, because she was just acupunctured and took it extremely personal. Lucy, because she knew her shots were coming next, and Abby because she wanted shots. SHE WAS SAD SHE WASN'T GETTING ANY.

it's ok though, the nurses and dr totally took pity on them and me (specifically). i even told the nurse, "i bet i'm one of those moms you look at and say, 'why did you have so many children?'"  because i obviously didn't (or never) have anything under control.  but back to the appointment, i was given the news that phoebes is now only in the 8% for weight.  back the truck up. phoebe is fat! and happy! the good doc asked if this has happened before and my mind reverted to abby's weight problems for 18 months.  i saw poop samples in bags and multiple blood draws and urine catchers and pediasure bottles lining my counters along with too many trips to the byu health center. not again!  luckily i have a dr. who basically said, "dude, she's fat, happy, and energetic, so i'm not worried". phew.

so why was i in target to consider formula in the first place? let's just say, in a nutshell, that it's been coming for a while now. i'm a little tired of the UFC fights she has on me somedays when my milk won't let down fast enough and/or there's not enough. she doesn't beat me up, not really, it's not that bad. but she's 10 months and it was time. but i've never bought formula before. or bottles. i've nursed both girls exclusively to over 1 and then moved them on to milk or blasted pediasure (which is awful, by the way).

so...back to the store isle. i'm looking and looking and looking. i stood there, in pure shock. firstly, at the price tag of formula cans. WHAT THE? holy crap, if ty knew how much money my boobies have saved him he wouldn't blink an eye at that swimming pool i want. ok, so maybe i haven't saved enough money to cover a pool. but i digress. i didn't know there were so many stinking brands? and bottles? and "Strengthening", "Omega", "Protectant" and whatother promises they have on the label? I just wanted to find a label that said, "Cheap and Good". Is that too much to ask for?  secondly i was in shock at how badly i felt for even looking at formula.  i didn't like the feeling of buying this fake milk stuff for my babe. i felt as though i had failed somehow. that if i were a wonderful mother i would keep nursing her. that i wouldn't tap out before her time is up. she was missing out on all the antibodies from me! she's going to get chronically sick! she's going to hate me forever and feel totally gypped! what is wrong with me?

so to make a long story short (maybe too late?) we bought the goods, put them in the car, and drove the hour home. it was more than peaceful. phoebe slept, abby was almost comatose and lucy and i watched the sunset through the gorge and talked about God. it was a beautiful ending to a very hard day.  we come home, i make the *gasp* bottle and sit down with phoebes. she tries it and yanks off. fiddles with the nipple a little giving it a strange look, then latches on again. yanks off one more time, adds another quizzical look and goes again. this time she chugs, and chugs, and chugs. her eyes roll back into her head, her entire body goes limp as she slowly strokes my hand, drinks the entire thing and sleeps through the night.

and all that guilt was gone. my little piranha was hungry, and i gave her milk. maybe it wasn't mine. and maybe it's not even milk in the first place, but gosh darn it, it worked.  and i slowly felt this relief wash over me. like the ball and chain were breaking off (not that i consider my children balls and chains, but you know).

ty can feed phoebe at bedtime! 
i can pack a bottle for drives! 
family functions!
my breasts are mine again (well, what's left of them)!   

the real point of this post is this: if phoebe is weaned, then why am i still wearing a nursing bra?

phoebe- just a few weeks old- drunk and sleeping on me.


girlfestapalooza day 3

{note} all the awesome pictures were taken by my sister danna. holla!

girlfestapalooza day 2

day 2 involved lots of sleeping in. naps. food. and a tour of the fish "factory". aka fish hatchery in loa, utah. according ot both girls, fish are "slimy". why, yes, yes, they are before you broil em up! hahahaha. mmmm...rainbow trout.


girlfestapalooza day 1

we are back from our little trip to a nice place i like to call heaven. honestly, i think God owns a summer home in Wayne County, Utah.

anyhoos-i've been reading over my blog and LAME, is it me or do i talk entirely, way too, excessively much?

that's what i thought. so here are some nice photos of our vacation from our problems.

with no chatting inbetween.

 * if you couldn't tell already, none of these are edited and/or cropped (what i'll usually do to make myself seem purty and awesome) i'm inspired by jes as always.

**and yes, my sisters said i was totally mr. french man in my jcrew tshirt. so of course we sang this all weekend long:



i haven't been getting very much sleep lately. i'm staying up cleaning or hanging out with my sis-and phoebe seems to be letting a tooth come in, which means ms. cranky pants wants to nurse twice a night. and c'mon, have you seen her thighs? it's not like she needs any more "nutrition".  and, my kids wake up EARLY.

soooo, they all think i'm napping right now. but i couldn't. that's how tired i am. when i get tired i start to think a lot, which is always a dangerous and not smart thing to do.

  • i'm excited to start the weekend off early. we are going to be right by here.
  • piper's momma, reagan, one of my blogging buds, has recently become uber famous, so she probably doesn't stop by here anymore, was featured here on cjane's blog. so proud.
  • phoebe is close to crawling. and i mean cloooooose. but the mother in me is keeping her off of all fours because i don't want her to crawl while her daddy is gone. cruel cruel mother.
  • i've hired the ladies (well lauren) at designer blogs to give my blog a major face lift . expect great things. it is going to be bodacious.
  • i received my first snarky anonymous comment. maybe it wasn't anonymous- maybe it was a friend, and they didn't mean to seem snarky. but alas, it was weird. but hey! does that mean i'm getting popular? if it does, then i don't want it. i might just remove the anonymous option. you cowards. what will you do then?
  • our new niece baby lyla jane entered the world almost a week ago! i'm dying over here. here cheeks look so delicious i can't stand it. plus her momma looks like she gave birth during a photo shoot or something. seriously, i cannot compete with that girl. beautiful.
  • phoebe will be 10 months on saturday. i'm sorry, i have to say that again: 10 MONTHS. and my heart has been sad over this fact. i almost cried last night after laying her down to bed. do you get tired of reading blogs where moms talk about how sad they are and how they can't believe that their children are getting older?  well, when it's your own you understand. i wish i could freeze her in this chubby cherub phase for forever. i love alliteration.

and without further ado, some photos of our house kitchen/family room:

please excuse the mess-the curtains that have no hold backs yet-the exposed drywall from our leak in the kitchen-and the splotchy painted hallway with mismatched pictures. i'm experimenting.

and yes, with the fireplace and dark light fixtures and now my dark (free!) couch, i might just feel like i live in a cabin. just a little bit.


we don't just whine over here ya know

every day we shake it. the girls love it. i love it. whether it's the classical music in the kitchen or some rocking music from pandora- dancing is essential to our days as is bread and butter.
i love this video because lucy only thought i was taking pictures. in the beginning abby is screamig at phoebe to DANCE! and, well, they've got the moves man.

other funny things the girls have been doing: running in the sprinklers. swimming for HOURS in our 4 foot radius pool. torturing the three kitties (we've already lost one to the coyotes). helping me around the house. visiting grandma's and cousins and the book store and "side in scoop" ice cream shop.

aunt danna is here! and we are on our way for an awesome holiday. you should go somewhere too. it's just too hot right now. really, it is. my position on having a pool gets stronger every day.


chasing goats to nowhere

a few times a day someone will call or come see us and ask "how are you doing?". and i'll admit, that sends a huge prickly feeling up my spine. i dig my heels in and say, "i'm fine! why wouldn't i be?" i mean, c'mon, it's not like i'm dying over here or something. ok, the other night when abby and i were both rolling around in the bed moaning and puking, death seemed like a nice vacation spot i'd like to go to soon, but for real?  everything is pretty much exactly the same.

it hasn't phased me in the least (of course the stomach flu train that rolled through town rocked us a little, but that's par for course there). and i think, "so what does that mean about your marriage annie?".
 where is ty missing in the equation if you can't see the difference? and i can tell now, right now, when i'm lying in bed at 2:36 am listening to the leaves blow outside. wide awake, scared to fall asleep. that is when i realize that i'm not at home.  i don't feel settled. i don't feel home. i don't feel anything really. this entire move has been like one GIANT epidural as far as my feelings and emotions go. yes, admittedly, i bawled my eyes out a good 3 hour chunk of the drive here. i had lovely, lovely, lovely, life long friends that i left for forever. that i ache for on a daily basis. but that's not just it.

i can tell that the girls are bored with me as there is no daddy to fly them around the room, take them fishing or to ACE hardware to pick up wall anchors. no piggy back rides or snuggle fests on the couch watching a red sox update on espn. but it's more than that. it doesn't seem to bother me that ty's not home because i'm not home either. any move is unsettling. just ask my avis : ). it's hard. add three kiddos to the mix and it's a freaking circus. a move to the desert in the middle of june and a renovation at hand? fuhgettaboutit.  we haven't felt like a family or at home...at all. we just wisk in and out of birthday parties and church functions placidly. when ty is home he's not home. he's sanding a floor, or putting up a light or organizing the shed for storage.

and when i signed the 4 digit check on thursday that fixed the kaput air conditioning unit, while saying goodbye to the beautiful (and shockingly expensive) rug i had planned for the family room, i thought "is this it?" this is real life? is this how it's always going to be? i look out our windows and see land covered in giant weeds. and dirt with little bits of grass from a past when someone loved it and watered it. i walk by them and say "i'm coming, i promise! i'm coming". but there aren't enough minutes in the day. enough time to fix the sprinklers. bulldoze the enormous 2 story building weeds that have taken up residence in front of my pomegranates. to level out the lawn that looks like paul bunyon has been golfing on. to painting the inside-outside and everything in between and nailing on base boards that have sat in my hallway for 6 WEEKS. heaven help me.  the list could reach the moon and back. so i'm drowning, slowly drowning in a sea of "some days" and "next times" and "we want to do thises".  i keep telling myself, "i'm tough" and "this is the worst it will be", but deep down inside i'm scared. scared that in 20 years that same box that says "LR books and decor" will still be sitting in the hallway by the bathroom door next to the wall that i want to wallpaper but am scared to wallpaper because every house we've moved into has horrid old outdated wallpaper that makes me vomit in my mouth and swallow.

the entire point of this post is something i don't know. we're unsettled. and that's ok, according to my mother. "give yourself 6 months" for a move. and "12 weeks" after every baby. she's always been right about the baby time period, so i'll have faith in this one. 6 months 6 months. wait, 4 1/2 months left of pure limbo.

4 1/2 months.

*side note* i'm thinking i don't admit i miss ty very much because that's how i survive. if i were to start thinking about how i'd like to see his face in the morning i'd get all sad and sappy.  bah! who wants that? sad and sappy can eat it. i'd rather die an early death happy than live my days out with my head in the sand whining and wishing things were different. that's just me. probably why i had such a blast when ty served his mission for our church. bwahahahaha.


and my roommates told me i spent too much time there...

and it has a snack zone now what what?  i could have eaten, like, 20 of my daily 40 snickers bars there.



let the wild rumpus start

we started off our girlfestapalooza with bouts of the stomach flu. radical! the next day we layed around recovering and waiting to hear about baby lyla's arrival our new niece! and oh my, her chubby cheeks have me in love already.

after we cleared up from pukey town it was safe for visitors so my mom and sister came for a leisurely lunch. by  a leisurely lunch i mean, they stayed for 4 hours. and it was just what the doctor ordered. sarah is back from europe with yummy chocolates, a beautiful scarf from italy for moi and pictures and stories galore. let's just say i never knew so much about amsterdam. YIKES.  we topped the night off with watching eclipse at the good ol' pioneer theatre. ah, the pioneer theatre. it needs a post of its own it does. love that place.  so the movie was hilarious. topped off the night a little more  with a laughter filled trip to the grocery store and then piled a huge pile of whipped cream with a cherry on top of all that. said whipped cream and cherry being an overnight visit from a good friend and her roommate on their way to california.  julia was one of my young women a few years ago- and now she's all groewed up. and to chat and laugh with her was just what the doctor ordered...again. plus it helps that the girls absolutely ADORE her to pieces. bits and bits.

since i was letting them sleep at my crib they had to listen to me talk for a few hours. hahaha. poor them. and, oh,  julia just happened to bring by one dozen cupcakes from her job. THE SWEET TOOTH FAIRY. ack! so much for losing a few pounds while ty's gone. blasted again.

it was the perfect jump start to our girlfestapalooza. my mom dropped off some chick flicks. we have plans for the next 10 days. and i'm busy as all get out.

but the best quote of the girlfestapalooza so far happened at the movie theatre:

in the middle of the big wherewolf/vampire fighting scene with newborns (am i the only one who thinks this sentence is hilarious?)we whispered this with our heads together slouched down in our seats:

"dude, i think i might be team emmett"-me

"well i used to be team jasper until they gayed up his hair"-sarah

i'm still laughing over that. man i've missed her.


see the baby? see the baby?

we are flying solo over here at the girl household. daddy flew out last night for his graduation trip. which might, ahem, include shooting large furry loving animals. most of the time it's easy for me to look over his hunting habit. i'm all for the bonding of males especially when it's a huge part of his family tradition.  not so fond of the shooting and nailing dead things on the wall- but we made a pact upon engagement that no dead animal of any kind will make it into my living quarters. ever. *i should note that his "office" doesn't count in this pact.

someday i'd love to go with him- when i don't have a baby attached to my tatas or one in utero. not for the slaughtering part- but the view! the places they go to are absolutely breathtaking. fly in on a puddle jumper. ride away on horseback. take a louis lamour book in my backpack. ahhhhh.  but i don't think i'd ever get to go, because wouldn't that mess up the whole male aspect? yes i think it would.  but to make up for that i'm tinkering with the idea of a huge fatty patty traveling trip with my sisters someday. mmmm, europe sounds delicious.

so we are in a big debate as to what to do with our time. the beach with aunt danna? holla! the house in utah with a  high of 72*? oh sweet baby cakes i'll go for that too. but for now we have responsibility and laundry so we are home.  why not play with photobooth?

it took me forever to get phoebe to look at the baby on the screen and not suck on the keyboard.

see the baby?
there she is!
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