the day i bought my first can of formula

hello, my name is annie and i'm a breastfeeding snob.  i was in denial about this fact until i found myself in target in the formula and "bottle" sections having a nervous breakdown.   what was i doing there in the first place?  well, we had just returned from a 2hr+ dr's appointment where all three girls were screaming at the top of their lungs about shots. Phoebe first, because she was just acupunctured and took it extremely personal. Lucy, because she knew her shots were coming next, and Abby because she wanted shots. SHE WAS SAD SHE WASN'T GETTING ANY.

it's ok though, the nurses and dr totally took pity on them and me (specifically). i even told the nurse, "i bet i'm one of those moms you look at and say, 'why did you have so many children?'"  because i obviously didn't (or never) have anything under control.  but back to the appointment, i was given the news that phoebes is now only in the 8% for weight.  back the truck up. phoebe is fat! and happy! the good doc asked if this has happened before and my mind reverted to abby's weight problems for 18 months.  i saw poop samples in bags and multiple blood draws and urine catchers and pediasure bottles lining my counters along with too many trips to the byu health center. not again!  luckily i have a dr. who basically said, "dude, she's fat, happy, and energetic, so i'm not worried". phew.

so why was i in target to consider formula in the first place? let's just say, in a nutshell, that it's been coming for a while now. i'm a little tired of the UFC fights she has on me somedays when my milk won't let down fast enough and/or there's not enough. she doesn't beat me up, not really, it's not that bad. but she's 10 months and it was time. but i've never bought formula before. or bottles. i've nursed both girls exclusively to over 1 and then moved them on to milk or blasted pediasure (which is awful, by the way).

so...back to the store isle. i'm looking and looking and looking. i stood there, in pure shock. firstly, at the price tag of formula cans. WHAT THE? holy crap, if ty knew how much money my boobies have saved him he wouldn't blink an eye at that swimming pool i want. ok, so maybe i haven't saved enough money to cover a pool. but i digress. i didn't know there were so many stinking brands? and bottles? and "Strengthening", "Omega", "Protectant" and whatother promises they have on the label? I just wanted to find a label that said, "Cheap and Good". Is that too much to ask for?  secondly i was in shock at how badly i felt for even looking at formula.  i didn't like the feeling of buying this fake milk stuff for my babe. i felt as though i had failed somehow. that if i were a wonderful mother i would keep nursing her. that i wouldn't tap out before her time is up. she was missing out on all the antibodies from me! she's going to get chronically sick! she's going to hate me forever and feel totally gypped! what is wrong with me?

so to make a long story short (maybe too late?) we bought the goods, put them in the car, and drove the hour home. it was more than peaceful. phoebe slept, abby was almost comatose and lucy and i watched the sunset through the gorge and talked about God. it was a beautiful ending to a very hard day.  we come home, i make the *gasp* bottle and sit down with phoebes. she tries it and yanks off. fiddles with the nipple a little giving it a strange look, then latches on again. yanks off one more time, adds another quizzical look and goes again. this time she chugs, and chugs, and chugs. her eyes roll back into her head, her entire body goes limp as she slowly strokes my hand, drinks the entire thing and sleeps through the night.

and all that guilt was gone. my little piranha was hungry, and i gave her milk. maybe it wasn't mine. and maybe it's not even milk in the first place, but gosh darn it, it worked.  and i slowly felt this relief wash over me. like the ball and chain were breaking off (not that i consider my children balls and chains, but you know).

ty can feed phoebe at bedtime! 
i can pack a bottle for drives! 
family functions!
my breasts are mine again (well, what's left of them)!   

the real point of this post is this: if phoebe is weaned, then why am i still wearing a nursing bra?

phoebe- just a few weeks old- drunk and sleeping on me.


me said...

Being a Mom that was never able to Breastfeed due to that fact that I lost so much blood with Jared and then due to the fact that I was on Medication after having Allyson due to PreE problems I have.
Both kids were formula babies and this one most likely will be too, since it's the same story.
Formula is a life saver for us.

Meka said...

You know what, I am pretty sure you have saved enough money for a pool from breastfeeding! Formula is dang expensive!!! Even the cheap brands are expensive! It adds up, trust me! That's funny that Abby likes shots, must be so used to them from being a preemie!

Megan Kolhoss said...

Oh how I envy that you got to breastfeed for 10 MONTHS, I got a whole 2 WEEKS in and had to put our little one on formula because I was not producing enough. I tried everything and nothing worked. THEN we went through 4 different formulas before we found 1 that didn't upset her tummy (she still has gas) It has been a battle for sure so be glad you got to breastfeed for so long and DONT feel bad about using formula for the last little while. :)

Trent & Tara said...

ha ha you are a breastfeeding snob for sure. Last person I thought would ever give their baby formula on this earth. but, sometimes things just happen and we have to choose other options. Glad things are going well with it. I don't have that problem with milk. I am pumping and pumping daily and make waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy toooo much. I will just ship mine down to Logandale for the Pheobs!!

Becky J. said...

Okay, waaaaaay behind on checking blogs, and blogging. I loved all your recent posts. I totally hear ya on the formula thing. My milk dried up with Avery when she was only 4 or 5 mos. so we had to do formula. I felt so guilty, partially because I couldn't nurse her to a year like I'd nursed Sophie, but partially because I loved the freedom the bottle gives you! But oh crap was it expensive! I finally started buying the double packs of Kirkland brand from Costco because it was just so much cheaper than anything else I could find! But I knew she was getting as much as she needed and that made me happy. This time around I'm so not going on the pill because I think that's what dried me up. I'm glad Phoebe loves formula!

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