t i r e d

confession: i want to be a super mom. a go-get-em up at 6am with make-up on already worked out and cookies baking in the oven super mom.

in reality? i'm tired.

is this normal? tired all the time. falling asleep when i sit down to fold laundry sort of tired?

i always remember the story from my sister-in-law jill about 'pregnancy tired'. she was expecting either number 5 or number 6 and went to the restroom-and woke up with her head resting on the roll of toilet paper.

that is real tired.

i haven't done that yet- but i can't keep my eyes open after 8pm.

oh, and i'm cranky.

the baby likes to wake me up between midnight to 3am and perform it's own cirque du soleil routines.

and it doesn't help that ty installed a security light right outside my window- that seems to think moths and large gusts of wind count as intruders. i've had no sleep for 2 days in a row.

did i mention i'm cranky?

and hungry?

hungry and tired and cranky like a little wee baby. except, i'm the mom.

and when mom is tired she might just put both your legs into one pant hole and then tell you to take a nap.
nope- she's not wearing a skirt. poor phoebe is stuck into one leg of her goucho pants.


and then there were none

our cats catch a lot of things. mice. gophers. birds...rabbits. rabbits? two weeks ago we rescued the cutest baby rabbit you have ever seen from the jaws of our tom cat. seriously, cutest thing you've ever seen. i was talking on the phone with my sister and she said, "you're gonna get rabies, or some other disease and die from that thing." to which i responded, "well, then i'll die the happiest person in the world".  it really was like holding a little piece of beatrix potter.  we gave it a nice little home, attached our hearts to it and...it died.

ty had to bury it early in the morning on saturday before the girls rose. lucy broke down when i told her her bunny had made it's path to the happy hunting grounds. she takes any animal death quite personal. ty was amazed at the amount of tears and sobbing. after an entire day of weeping and drawing pictures for our sweet bunny, may he rest in peace, i looked over at ty and mouthed the words, "no more pets".  so of courese, being the man that he is went out that day with his friend mike and came home with a gecko for the girls. which died the next day. seriously! we are like a little pet cemetery over here.

so yesterday morning when our cat deposited another wounded baby bunny on our porch i put my foot down.

"oh! yay! another bunny for us!" abby squealed in delight.

she wasn't very happy when i set it free to "go live with it's mommy again." but i did take a few pictures. lucky enough, the litter of bunnies (are they called litters?) were not as cute a week and a half later so it was easy to say goodbye. take a look: not half as cute as our first one.

and here is abby in her outfit from yesterday. she made mud puddles and pies while i paid the bills. i hope everyone notices she is wearing a swimsuit, in march. if i could only find a way to bottle up this weather and open in up in july.

here are some fun links:

spiritual uplift  here

more news form my cousin in Tblisi, (sp?) Georgia.

i would love to win the lottery and buy all 3 girlies this matching dress. it's so very von trapp family.

so happy for piper and her parents.

i got rid of facebook. gasp. shock. i know!  i also can't believe how much time i have now either.  *disclaimer* i don't necessarily think facebook was the problem. it was more of a "it's not you, it's me" relationship deal. i'm going to be honest here, because i think networking with friends from around the globe is an amazing opportunity. but personally? i spent 90% of my time on it judging other people.  i know right? i am, deep down, human after all.



 phoebe is officially 18 months. for every mother this is such a blessed and sad day. blessed because they are mobile and independent. sad because they are mobile and independent. in mormon culture 18 months is a big marker because they enter the children's nursery for 2 hours on sunday. one nursery leader asked, "is phoebe ready!?" and i replied, "yes! she just started pinching, stealing, saying "no" and running away!"

all kidding aside. we love this little ragamuffin- even if she does pinch and steal.

her latest words are:

da buh!- the bus (ty says it sounds really close to the man in the waterboy)
date doo!- thank you
lyla-cousin lyla
lyla- cousin evelyn
ella- her friend ella
babby-lucy (don't ask)
awi- cousin ari
kiiiieee!- kitty
EDDIE!!!- eddie
daaaaaIIIIIEEEE!- daddy
boppa- grampa
momma- grandma
mommy- mommy
wawa- water
wa- walk
wing!- swing
iwannawing!- i want to swing
tada!- tada!
orry- sorry
UGH!- give me that, i'm done, get me down, let me go, go away (take your pick)

she loves to eat:
and fruit
green beans
and almost every other type of food
she's kind of a foodie


good days and bad days

i was so productive yesterday. cleaned. organised. played with the girls. made a healthy dinner while keeping the kitchen clean. i know!  finished reading Rebecca (holy twists and turns).

today...not so much. i tried to get so many things done. ok, but it's hard to describe where the day went south.

 8:00 am- kids are fed and dressed-and we are waiting for the bus.

 8:30 am- enter local thrift store.

 8:31 am- realize phoebe must be in stroller for thrift store. it has stairs! phoebe has a stair addiction.

 9:00 am- phoebe's 1st nap

somewhere between 9-11 i lost track of my plan for the day. the breakfast dishes sat in the sink. i mowed the lawn (i counted this as my workout-phew!). played on the swings with abby. thought about doing a load of laundry. made some medical calls and appointments. snacked.

11:00am- phoebe's up! all plans are put to a halt. we have a smoothie and go outside to bask in the sunshine.

12:00pm lucy's home- picnic lunch on the lawn. it was hot! i rolled up my jeans & tried to tame my albino legs. lucy tells me all about school and the bus and her teacher and stickers and stamps and clothes and animals and willnotstoptalkingfortheloveofallthatiholddear.

12:45- put phoebe down for second nap. she was walking in circles screaming at herself. oh my.

1:00pm- quiet time. this is what i like to call my "lunch break". all children are sequestered to a room and must be quiet. i know right? what kind of a natzi am i? in my opinion... a smart one. without that break everyday from my sweet cherubic children i would run into oncoming traffic. just kidding...i think. i spent too much time on the internet instead of putting my feet up and reading. but i had finished a book- and didn't have a good one on hand. so i moped around and hung up some pictures. blah.

3pm- all the kids are awake. the house is a mess and dad is coming home in an hour. YIKES. instead of cleaning, we played outside some more. my house is really feeling neglected right now, but i don't care. in a month or so it will be hotter then you-know-what and i'll have all the time in the world to dust and mop.  no energy...but plenty of time.

daddy left for boy scouts early and i'm on my own. no biggie, but after 3pm has been cranky pants time for me lately. i took the older girls to the store for a distraction- only made things worse.

5:30pm dinner. i think i yelled 5 times

6:00 baths

6:30 phoebe goes down. hooray!

as of right now i'm counting the minutes till i put the other two  in bed. yup, i'm blogging while they are in their room playing.  awesome mom award goes to me!!!!!

tonight and tomorrow morning i know what to pray for:

patience with my kids

patience with myself


peace in my home.


monday is another day

i really couldn't think of  a better title for this post. but, it is a little fitting, because today IS monday. so much has been happening in my small little life that i lead that it's amazing how large and demanding everything seems. until i start to write about it. and then, well...not so much.

i started to read this book. which i'm finding quite delightful- but sleep inducing. i can't seem to get past 15 pages without conking out. maybe when the romantic suspense starts i can stay awake?

i read a few posts that made me smile today. which is always nice. they are also bloggers that are related to me, so doubly nice:

my other cousin's wife writes well. and just about how i feel about life these days too.

my cousin steph survived 30 hours of flying with 3 kids! they need to make a medal for that.

other thoughts that have been rolling around in my head:

how grateful i am that i didn't have a blog when i was a new mom. yikes!

how much i enjoy having abigail around the house. this morning she was more than fun with her little dances and songs that she makes up as she plays and plays. this afternoon we were sitting at lunch discussing all the little creatures and plants we could see through our gorgeously huge window. i sighed, "i love this window." and she replied, "well, i love fashion windows!".  i asked, "what are fashion windows?"  her reply? "the ones that you can see your refection!"  that girl i tell you.

how much phoebe has turned into a spoiled little stinker.  i don't think i would worry too much about this fact, except that the baby is coming in 12 weeks and counting. seeing as i've never made it past 39 weeks-and that is in 12 weeks. i just had to do the math i guess. in the first place, i feel guilty for robbing her of all her glory at such a young age. and then i think, i've got to get this girl tough before the next one comes along. but i give in, and hold her and give her the candy and anything else she asks for.
how little i know about how to parent my sweet lucy. i feel inadequate in every way, shape and form to be her mother and meet her needs. i almost feel like i'm always running to catch a speeding car-and never quite make it there in time. she is the complete opposite of me in so many ways, which drives me crazy. and then she's completely me in some ways, which drives me crazy.  why is parenting your oldest always the hardest? (i know mom, my grammar is awful)
what a good dad ty is for the girls. i wish i could encapsulate in words what i feel when i see him with his children. he is so good. he is so kind. he is so patient.  and lately with my emotions, this has been a perfect yin to my yang. or vice versa. i don't know which is yin and which is yang. oh well. 
i worry about the world. about the economy. about ty losing his job. about losing our house. about home gardening and canning and food storage and back up reserves of money. i worry about being frugal and wise. i worry i will never change. i worry about my friends and their problems. i worry that even though i think about them, i'm still completely self absorbed. i worry my kids will pick up my bad habits. i worry the baby will die. i worry the baby will be special needs. i worry about being too hot this summer when the baby comes. i worry about everything.

i've found that i absolutely need 9-10 hours of sleep at night to feel be able to get through the next day. if i do, my tummy is happy, i am happy and i can manage to take care of everyone and everything (well, attempt to) without any bumps in the road. which is the main reason i stopped teaching my aerobics class at night, i'm hoping to keep my saturday class now that things have calmed down a bit. read: no contractions.

oh my, what a long post of nonsense.

ps- we totally survived no tv week! yes, the first days were awful- but we smoothly sailed through the rest.  today abby said, "no tv!" in a sing song voice and walked into her room. i don't have the heart to tell her it's over and she can watch sesame street again : )


day 3 of no tv= desperation

yesterday was not fun.

i hope to not repeat it today.

my only saving grace was a fun lunch date with a friend on our lawn.

but she eventually had to leave-but luckily it was nap time.

phoebe napped.

i napped.

i thought everything would be better after that...it was worse.

but we perservered. there was no tv. 

i put all the kiddies to bed at 7- cleaned up & snuck into bed at 8:00 with A Streetcar Named Desire. read the entire thing, and tried to go to bed. I love Tennessee Williams but i didn't get a wink of sleep.  all night long i was thinking, "Stella!!!!!"  and trying to figure out why i was siding with Stanley? he reminded me a lot of Don Draper. so bad- yet so attractive. am i the only one?

but today is looking up already. we had green german pancakes and lucy was still trying to figure out how a leprechaun snuck into our kitchen when she got on the bus. we have another play date lined up- and i actually am celebrating st. patrick's day a little this year. a lot different then last year.

and here's a free craft i made so we weren't totally devoid of green in the house:
 oh my, a doily and decor? i'm totally domesticateded.


it always gets worse before it gets better

day two of no tv wasn't bad- until about 3 o'clock. then i wanted to run away to the bahamas. we had played outside ALL DAY and i was tired of following around the little speed demon phoebe. who, by the way, learned how to climb the BIG slide and wants to do it over and over and over and over and over and over and over. and the girls kept arguing and arguing and arguing and arguing and arguing..maybe you get why i'm so tired today. i wanted to give up and just turn on something, even though phoebe will tolerate tv the least out of the kids. but i kept repeating my mom's famous advice when it comes to starting out anything new or worthwhile, "it always gets worse before it gets better". and so, no tv again today. heaven help me, i can do this.

last night the girls' room was pretty warm from keeping the windows open all day- they didn't fall asleep till 9:30. and that is about 2 1/2 hours later then normal. it stunk as ty and i didn't get any good quiet time as we tried to go to bed at the same time and had to keep yelling "be quiet and go to bed!".

everyone slept in this morning, including me. woops. so i'm behind already. behind on working out. behind on breakfast dishes, chores, bill pay, everything. and here i am blogging. i guess i'll never learn.

but to lighten up the mood, here is a picture of how we torture phoebe after a long day of chasing her. we pull her pj's up waaaay too high and then call her the "urkel". remember that show? sometimes i miss the 90's.

 please disregard the boogie nose- i hate snotty faced pictures & didn't notice it at the time.
and i promise, we actually do phoebe's hair...sometimes.


get a life

this week lucy's school is practicing the national "Turn Off the TV Week". luckily, we have a student who brings home every paper the second she comes in the door- shoves it in my face and tells me 100 thousand times what it says (because she's already read it).  I am always well informed about what is going on at school. and i know in a few years i'll have to dig through abby's backpack to find a permission slip that's covered in old apple slices.

we talked about it all weekend, not watching tv. and monday morning i taped up the little announcement on the entertainment center. so far, so good. both girls know it's off and haven't asked. on normal days we have an hour to hour and a half limit on the boob tube- but when i'm pregnant. well.........let's just say it's a tad bit more than that and not go into details.

ty and i aren't too worried about us. i've had a firm rule since having lucy that the tv is not on for me until the kids are in bed at night.  unless i'm really sick (only exception).  so usually ty and i watch one episode of something, and it's usually something on ESPN. and seeing as regular season hasn't started up yet for the Red Sox, and spring training games are boring, we're not missing out on much.  i am missing watching CNN for Japan stuff but am relying on my BBC ticker on google.

we had a great first day and i look forward to all the things the girls will play with this week (like their toys!)

yesterday we:
-played with modeling clay
-sidewalk chalked
-went for a long walk
-ate lunch outside
-had FHE outside
after the girls went to bed ty finished an ebay listing on the computer while i put my feet up and quietly read the new Pottery Barn bed and bath issue. when i read home decor magazines, i like to pretend i have oodles of money and can do whatever i want with the house. it's fun for a few minutes. then i throw it in the recycling bin.

the sad part was seeing the announcement from school state, "IDEAS OF WHAT TO DO INSTEAD OF WATCHING TV." 

in other news, my cousin steph just moved to the Capital of the Republic of Georgia until July with husband Paul all three boys!  after saying goodbye to her on the phone friday before her 30plus hours of plane rides and layovers, i looked at my life and laughed at how uptight i get just about thinking about packing the car for a weekend trip to Utah.  basically, i need to relax a little.  i can't wait to hear and see about their adventures abroad.

so how about you readers? ( i hardly ever ask you to do things) you up to turning off the tv for an entire week? i'll even give you a free pass from yesterday. c'mon, do it! see what amazing things you can actually do with your life, like read a book!


marvelous march

march has been an excellent month so far. the weather, well, is marvelous with a capital M. we have literally spent every waking hour outside. from the moment lucy gets on the bus till the last sliver of sunshine dips behind the hills we are out in the fresh air.  the windows are open and birds are chirping- and and and...i think i'm in love with spring. fall is usually my favorite- but something about this spring is so great. i joke with ty that every day the tree leaves are bursting and growing- and so am i. i wake up every morning to a larger burgeoning belly and i'm learning to love it. (somehow, in my crazy thoughts i believed that a healthy pregnancy means happy, happy, happy-but the bigger i get the more depressed & worried i get about, well, being big. but that's an entire post in itself and completely vain and shallow minded). the Lord has sent me a baby, and a healthy body to carry it- and i am not going to take that for granted for one second.

i reread To Kill a Mockingbird for either my 4th or 5th time. i couldn't remember. but it is one of my all time favorite books. if you haven't ever read it, you really, truly, should. if you read it and didn't like it, you really, truly should.

the only sad part about march is a dear, sweet friend i've made since moving here just...wait for it...moved. i know right? i just moved, no one else can do that! although i am very happy for her and her family, she is missed very much already.  luckily, we had a lovely going away party for her at our house and watched her girls on a fun play date. here are a few pictures to prove what we've been up to.

AND SO DID I- 25 weeks
this weekend we've been watching the sad aftermath of the earth quake in japan.  i can't wrap my mind around all the devastation there must be there. it's really too much for me to take in- but my Church announced today a need for more hygiene kits to send over- and that makes me happy i can do something to help out.


4 yr old world

sadly, most were out of focus. but we have lots of our (dirty) floors and ceilings


a 6 year old world

lucy has found my camera.  i finally gave in and let her start taking pictures-and she loved it. i have to admit- it was nice to have her quiet and not complaining for a good half hour. but now i need to dig out the old one for her to use before she scratches my baby. 
but i thought her pictures weren't too shabby at all- and ty and i laughed at her view of the house.

don't worry- i'll show abby's soon too.

like a shark in deep waters: preterm labor

last night i was swimming in a body of water with a baby girl that looked a lot like phoebe. we were having so much fun and as we kicked and kicked  we drifted out farther away from the shore.  everything was so fun and lovely. the sun was shining, the baby was laughing, and out of nowhere something grabbed my legs. my first thought was another person trying to be funny, and then i thought it was just a small fish nibbling on me. but when i looked down i saw the jaws of a large shark coming straight at me. and as he pierced my legs and crushed them between his large jaws i looked at the baby, at her terrified face as her legs were caught too. and for that last split second i knew that we were in a kind of trouble there was no getting out of- and it was all my fault.

that's when i woke up.

most weird, vivid dreams like this just roll off of me. i don't think twice about them. but for some reason i knew this dream was for a specific reason. what did it mean? and not in a 'check out a freud book and interpret it'- but what was bothering me?

and it hit me. the shark- as stealthy and quiet as can be- with no relenting was pre-term labor. it's not a danger until it's right there consuming you. you didn't see, hear, or know it could even get you- and yet there it is, out of nowhere, pulling your baby into danger.

this might sound a bit dramatic- but it's how it has felt for me. everyone keeps asking me "how are you feeling?"  and "how much longer are you going to teach aerobics?" (i'm still teaching 3x a week). and i always have the same reply:

"i feel fine!" "as long as i feel fine i'll keep going!"

but the past few days something has been nagging on me. and that's our abigail- i felt 100% fine and perfect and out of nowhere everything wasn't fine anymore.  and i'm starting to think, am i doing the same thing over again? in reality- my doctor and i am keeping close track of everything, especially when i get closer to 30 weeks.

but in all honesty- i'm finally crawling out of denial and realizing 2 things:

1. i actually really am pregnant and

2. i'm still high risk for pre-term labor. if this baby makes it to term i will be pretty clear of it altogether. so far my stats are 39wks, 35 wks, 38 wks (on meds and bed rest).  Not too shabby.

i am grateful for how well everything is going- but i'm also going to pull my head out of the sand and start facing the facts. because you never know if you are lurking in too deep of waters- and living with the guilt of knowing you could have done more to protect your baby kills you. 

and who am i really kidding? with phoebe's pregnancy i would have been happy to take them on a walk and do a loady of laundry start to finish this far along. so where i am, cooking and cleaning and playing with my kids is such a tremendous blessing that i am not going to take for granted. and let's face it, taking it easy pregnant with 3 other children is not an easy task. so i'm pretty sure things like aerobics and planting trees are easy to cut out of the picture for now.

*i wrote this post last week. this weekend i'll be 26 weeks.
24 weeks along- photo courtesy of lucy. and yes...that IS a double chin.


2 minutes

last week i trekked into "town" with all three kids solo.  actually, i prefer this method. they are much more obedient when it's just me in charge on trips. maybe they can fear the wrath lurking in the corners of the car.

anyways, after a short procedure at the pediatrician's all three girls and i were at the bookstore picking out the lucky child's reward (a book) for enduring said procedure. as we head to checkout i walk up to the counter and find the swimsuit edition of sport's illustrated glaring at my retinas.

"oh, that's nice" i grumbled as i turned it backwards before the girls shuffled in behind me.

"you can't do that!" the sales representative blurted as she reached her chubby little hand around the counter and turned it back.

"i'm sorry? yes i can."  i tried to quietly say back as i turned it backwards again. i don't know if i accomplished doing this politely or not. i'm guessing, not.

"it's against the law. we have a legal right that that has to be seen at all times" (or some other sort of legal mumbo jumbo that sounded like dog poo)

"well, it can sit like this for 2 minutes just fine"  i retorted, and turned it back. at this point i was not happy and luckily the store had neatly displayed chocolates at a little kid level and the girls were drooling over which $20 box they want for their birthday. (they aren't allowed to ask for things at the store, but some how alluding to 'birthday wishes' escapes the rule)

"oh, no it can't!" she blurted again. and tried to reach back again. this is where i lost my patience.

i held out my hand for her to stop and firmly stated: "you just check out my books and pretend i'm looking at it while you do it." and i said this giving her my "don't even try it" eyes. message received.

as soon as the receipt was placed in my hands she tried again to reach around the counter to turn it back, but not soon enough. i gingerly picked it up, turned it around and asked "now that wasn't too bad now was it?" luckily at this point her manager walked past and i added, "next time you don't have to be so rude about it,"  with an emphasis on the word "rude". and left it at that. her manager turned her head and eyed the employee suspiciously as i waddled out the door, pregnant, with phoebe in a stroller and two scraggle muffins in tow.

on the drive home it awed me that both parties in this confrontation found the other one completely in the wrong.

she obviously found there nothing wrong with my children viewing merchandise they legally had to keep in view. and she also found nothing offensive about the magazine in question.

and i found it completely wrong that my children are subjected to soft pornography at a bookstore counter.

and in all of this i have myself thinking back to my waitress days and the saying that ruled our job:

The Customer Is Always Right.

the point of the story is: isn't it amazing how upset you can become in a mere 2 minutes?

*read a similar story from my sister-in-law here about pornography in stores.


you can't always get what you want

every free weekend or weekday hour that is not committed- we spend on the house. outside, inside, on the property, trying to fix things. during 9 months of this process we have learned one thing:

 1. for every one thing you fix, at least one other thing will go wrong or break in the process.

we thought this only pertained to the house, until yesterday.

for a few months we've been wanting to take our dog in to the "professional" groomer here in town. note the quotation marks. being as it was christmas and birthdays and money going other places-he had to wait.

but yesterday was the day! i was a good dog owner! he was going to be groomed and clean and pretty! i took him to the groomer  and went to the park with some friends. 40 minutes later i'm back at the groomers because they "couldn't complete the job."

"he was biting me. i've never had a dog do this" the groomer exhaled with her hands on her waist and a role of her eyes. at first i'm thinking, you're a DOG GROOMER and you've never had a dog nip at you to stop handling his property?  but i believe she already had it in for me and eddie when she knew that we had gone 6 months without grooming him. the HORROR.

i'm thinking, no biggie, he's just not finished. and then i see him. poor, poor, poor, eddie. a shame of the town. he looks like he has leprosy, or undergoing chemo, or the plague.  really, you have to see it to believe it. i had no words to tell the groomer. she didn't dare ask for any money- i just took eddie and left. speechles, which is rare for me.

i told ty on the phone on his way home from work, "eddie didn't do well at the groomer's"

"it's ok, we'll fix it" he assured me.

"yeah right" i thought as i hung up.
please tell me how you fix a HACK JOB like this?

 rest easy, we still love him just as much.
if not more for pity's sake.

*i might add that they had nicked him in two places and there was dried blood. i also will add that i firmly believe he was biting them because they were trying to turn him into the ugliest dog on the earth. you don't SHAVE a wheaten terrier, you trim them. professional groomer my foot. 
hmmph. i feel much better now after venting.
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