the blue period

i hesitate to write this down. because in a few minutes i could be sad again and this wouldn't be fun to read later on.

i've heard from friends and family how they get the blues after a baby. weepy, emotional, sad. i've never had that and wondered why on earth you could feel sad after having a baby?  yes, i'm quite cavalier in my judgemental thoughts.

and here i am. happy, oh so happy to have a baby! and then wham, i get sideswiped with sadness. why is the baby awake again?  why aren't the girls listening? how can i ever take care of 4 kids? the best ones are when i feel betrayed. i blame all my friends x, y, z for making it looks so easy with large broods.  the worst thought i've had since bringing home baby rodney? what if this is as good as it will ever be with 4? ahhh! talk about panic attack.

don't get me wrong things haven't been terrible. they've been actually quite wonderful. 70% of the time the girls are sweet with rodney and give him loves and then ignore him for the rest of the day. it's perfect! and then there is the remaining 30% where lucy is crying over the bumps in her hair and abby is still in her pj's spraying hairspray on the walls and phoebe is decorating my pottery barn european shams with mascara while rodney is screaming because he has pooped again and is hungry again.

it's hard to really relate how i feel, because i'm starting to feel sad again just writing this stuff down. i think a list will help.

hear the things i will block out of my memory:

  • how crazy phoebe was the day we came home and it made me want to go back to the hospital. (note picture above)
  • how we were sent home with strict instructions to not remove his gauze from his peter for an hour. and then he pooped 10 minutes later in the car. so i had to change the diaper and the gauzecameoff! and he was screaming, and i was crying and i couldn't find the diaper or the vaseline and there was blood everywhere! it was more than awful.
  • how difficult it is to change a boy's diaper. DIFFICULT. 
  • how just when you think you are doing a good job as a parent, you are sent a baby that will make you feel like you have no clue what you are doing all over again.
  • how you gave birth to a piranha and only get bursts of sleep 45 minutes at a time ALL NIGHT LONG. 
  • the bad morning where ty went back to work and the entire world fell apart.
  • hearing abby talk to her shoes and say, "my mommy is grumpy today"
  • hearing lucy cry in her room and say, "you're scaring me mommy!" 
but here are some things in the last 6 days that i want to remember:
me and baby rodney, finding out we were going home!
  • how wonderful ty was during the delivery.
  • all the great baseball we got to watch together. alone. well, maybe baby counts?
  • phoebe asking to hold the baby and beaming for the .04 seconds she held him
  • lucy and abby telling me how they found baby rodney's binky while i was in the shower and got him to stop crying (it was phoebe's binky, but hey, it worked). they were so proud.
  • ty talking to the baby when he holds him.
  • all the smiling faces of the wonderful family and friends who have visited us.
  • all the wonderful meals and gifts.
  • all the amazing hours of play dates friends and families have done for the girls.
  • how baby rodney holds my finger and shirt while he nurses. he has the cutest little worried furrow. i guess eating takes lots of concentration.
  • how we had a baby and left the hospital the next day with the baby. what a blessing.
  • the nurse from Overton and Carolyn my delivery nurse.
  • all the sweet texts and emails i've received.
  • how little he cried during his circumcision. (ouch!)


Danna Banana said...

Good for you Annie...say it out loud!

Embrace it all...the good, the bad and the crummy.

Lara said...

Oh Annie, you are one super Mama, don't ever doubt yourself. Kids are hard, no matter how many you have! Rodney is adorable, and boys are SOOO much fun! Congrats again to you and Ty!

audreyspencer said...

Being a momma is hard. Period. I hope the hard parts become easier for you! Circumcisions are a nightmare...and still a nightmare 9 months later. I still have to vaseline and keep it from fusing back together!

Melanie said...

I always think it's interesting how with each kid it was different for me. After some I was way down and after others it was just fits and spurts. What's important is that you recognize it for what it is. It may not make it easier, but it won't be so overwhelming.

Sounds like you've had lots of good times in the last week. There are many more to come. It most definitely gets better than that first week! :) But enjoy this slow time too, 'cause with three older ones, he's going to grow and change way too quickly. (That's what Megan did.)

(By the way, after having two boys in a row, I hated going back to changing girl diapers! :) It's all what you're used to I guess.)

Sending a virtual dinner your way!!

Kathryn said...

We love you Annie! You are doing a FANTASTIC job!

Kara said...

I love your pictures! You look beautiful! I wish I could have the girls over to play for hours, so you could have some peace and rest. He looks like a strong sturdy cutie boy! You can do this. And I'm expectin' that you get some help. Love you!

Becky J. said...

Oh wow, do I hear you. Having a new baby is not easy when you've got other kids who need your undivided attention. And I always am reminded how I'm so not great with little tiny babies as soon as I get one, but I somehow never remember that when I'm pregnant with it, probably for good reason. I do much better when they get a few months old.

I agree with every single point except for changing a boy's diaper. I think it's SO much easier than a girl's! There aren't holes that have to be cleaned out so carefully so they don't get infected and such. It'll be way easier once his circ heals up, I promise.

You're going to be an amazing mom to 4, just like you were to 1, 2, and 3 kids. May the sleep deprivation pass quickly, and good luck!

Tiffany said...


Tiffany s said...

Sorry, first time leaving a comment on a blog so disregard first comment! With macie just 4days younger than rod, I totally relate to the baby blues. One minute I was feeling happy, and an hour later I could be having a total meltdown, sobbing uncontrollably! The first week I had horrible dreams and would wake up either crying or having a full on panic attack. I'm feeling much better now, but I have older kids too and I know that makes a differences. I relates so much with your experiences that you had me laughing. Thanks...needed that.

angela michelle said...

First of all, congratulations! He's beautiful and you look great!

I totally relate with freaking out over the mangled little pee-pee. We didn't do our boys, but we once had a brand new foster baby and I was way more upset about his bloody little nubbin than I was about all the reasons he was in foster care.

And I relate to the it's-awful / it's wonderful feelings. You're still in your fourth trimester and really not obliged to feel/look/act together at all. Hang in there and try to just enjoy the ride.

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