996th post

i can't believe it, but i'm nearing 1,000 posts on this little old blog thingy. i guess over 5 years it's not really a lot, but for me something sounds really great about one thousand!

so to celebrate the next 4 posts are going to be the best ever!* i say the best ever, but i really have no idea what to write on the other ones, except this one has been rolling around in my head for the last little while.

last week i thought i was pregnant. no, i knew i was.  my cycle was almost 2 weeks late. i was terribly exhuasted. i had broken 5 dishes in the last 3 weeks (one of my earlist signs of expecting is loss of coordination).  i was extremely emotional and had cried through an entire movie (again, one of my reliable signs). i was squidgy around the middle (another first sign from a hormone spike and slowed down digestive system). it hurt, oh it hurt so badly to nurse rodney. and my milk production was slowing.

i was. freaking. out.

so i took a test. negative.

i relaxed.

but i was still tired. and still feeling crazy, and still no definite sign that i was not expecting.

so i freaked out and took another test.

ok, negative again. i'm just crazy, which is par for course around here.

and then i couldn't get out of bed in the mornings and i was tired by 7pm (yet again, another sign)

this had to be a pregnancy, because, what if it wasn't? what if something was wrong with me? with my cycle? i sat down with ty and said, "either i'm crazy, something's wrong, or i'm pregnant."  i secretly feared all answers.

i started confiding in my close friends and family. "how long have you ever been late?"..."Have you ever taken a negative test when you were pregnant?" and boy, were those the wrong questions. i probably heard about a million people who had taken negative tests and were, in fact, pregnant.

but i continued to wait it out. but deep down, i really, truly felt pregnant. or maybe i was hoping i was? because as terrifying as it sounded, it would be a solution to a lot of my problems (albeit a temporary one). i would have an excuse for the messy house, the mismatched dinner meals, the frumpy clothes, hair, and poofy muffin top i've been sporting. i could relax about getting back into shape and losing weight!  my boobs would look great again! man, i am shallow.

 one of those mornings i received an email announcing one of ty's cousins new arrivals. their first baby, a girl.  i was so excited for them, and when someone has a baby girl first i catupult back to memories of beautiful baby lucy, and how all my dreams and expectations of motherhood rested so heavily on her shoulders. and as i continued thinking about that, i hear phoebe is up from her nap. and it sounds suspicious.

i find her, in her room, with diarrhea all over the carpet and toys. perfect.  i get the rubber gloves, rags, carpet cleaner and start working on my hands and knees.  and i was not happy. i scrubbed thinking about how wonderful it would be to just have 3 kids, or 2 kids, or 1 kid, but 4? why did we have 4? i can't do this. i'm not cut out for this. why me?

now generally i don't ever feel this way about motherhood. i have been lucky and it has fit me like a glove from day one. i love birth. i love newborns. i love everything about growing children. but the cleanup. oh! how i hate the mess! i am not a clean person in the first place, so the insurmountable amount of mess and laundry and dishes with 4 kids is just crippling.  cleaning does NOT come naturally to me. i did NOT want to be scrubbing feces off of the little dollhouse's cobblestone walkway (oh, the crevices!)

i finally gave in and called the dr to schedule an appointment. and not a minute sooner did aunt flo come to visit. and oh! i have never been so happy to meet her in my entire life*.   "TY!" i shouted running outside. he was fixing his work truck and looked up from under hood. "what?" he asked. " it came!" i shouted again, jumping for joy. "yeah!" he said with a little fist pump.

and then i went inside. relieved. relaxed. but mostly, just relieved.  could i have another baby in 9 months? of course i could. would i love it with all of my heart? absolutely.  but did i want to have another baby in 9 months? if it was the Lord's will, then i would accept it. but personally? no, of course, not.

and then i went to bed a little sad.
we know we want more children someday,
 but someday is not today. not today. not today.

abby took this picture the other day. not very flattering, but accurate of life around here.