giving up hard.

things have been difficult since i quit sugar. i feel like i'm in middle school all over again, everything is new. i don't really feel like i fit in, and i'm trying to figure out who i am.  all of my old recipes make me sad. all of the new recipes seem overwhelming. people keep offering me sweets, all. the. time. i know they mean well, but somedays it really hurts.

some people think i'm being overdramatic about not having refined white sugar at all (which, for me, wouldn't be a long shot). but most people don't know the truth behind my sugar addiction, and how absolutely fabulous my life is without it. i feel like i've been let out of prison without parole and can do whatever i want now.

have i gone 100% free? nope. i had 2 smores when we went camping. a few sips of lemonade. sometimes the kids don't finish their ice cream and i've had a few bites. little things here and there, but i haven't beaten myself up about it. i don't want to fall off the wagon completely just because of a few slips. and honestly, the little bites here and there don't even taste that great anymore. 

i still am sensitive though, and learning how this new lifestyle is going to be. holidays, birthdays, celebrations are different. making a treat takes a lot more preparation and moolah that's for sure. learning how to deal with daily parenting stresses is still a conundrum.

but something else weird has finally started happening, i'm losing weight. it kind of surprised me, because i had given up on that as a goal. when i first cut out sugar i didn't lose anything. not one pound. it was depressing for sure, but as that wasn't my main reason i just let it slide. i stopped weighing myself and paying attention, because i didn't want that stopping my hard work. but people started saying things, and i just brushed it off. they are just trying to be nice. nothing has really changed. but then i started paying a little more attention, and, well, all of a sudden my shirts are a baggier, and my pants are starting to fall down. and my old "skinny" clothes are fitting just fine. and i'm not even kidding you, yesterday i started to freak out because i weighed myself and i have lost weight. "i'm losing weight but nothing has changed!" i cried.  i was sure something was wrong, and even called dr. brother to confirm my paranoia.

but then after thinking for a minute (really, why didn't i do this first?) i realized that  i'm not up at midnight eating an entire bag of peanut m&m's anymore. and i'm not hiding cake from my kids so i can eat it anymore either. i'm not eating an entire costco package of cinnabon's by myself no mo.  i've also started eating smaller portion sizes, not on purpose, i just don't crave things like a used to. it's such a strange feeling to not feel hungry all the time, hence the paranoia that something is wrong.

it's been 4 months of no bingeing, and it's finally started to show up in other places other than in my brain. and you know what? it's really nice.

*i have to add that i have only been able to give up sugar through the twelve step program, and learning how to love myself first. i don't think you can hate yourself healthy.


Anonymous said...

Annie, you really are amazing. I had never thought of using the 12 step program to help with a sugar addiction. I am at that point where it is so hard to let the sugar go. I make it a day at the most. I guess I'm more afraid than anything. I am afraid to tell people to support me in my desire to be sugar free (silly I know). I guess if anyone would understand it is you. I need to call you and get your advice.

Cathy said...

A little retreat is not defeat. I read that on Facebook this week. I kinda like it.

Jenn said...

Congrats :) That's so awesome! And incredibly inspiring! Keep it up!

Julie said...

I found my way here from Barefoot in the Kitchen. I also struggle with sugar and have had so many moments of falling off the wagon, regaining weight, and beating myself up over it. Even when I know that I feel so much better both physically and emotionally without it, I still come up with excuses and find it so hard to refocus. I have never thought about using the twelve step program... thanks for sharing what has helped you.

Unknown said...

So glad I came across this. I'm about to give up sugar. It has been a long time coming! I have a very serious addiction and have spent the last five days overdosing to the point that tonight I realised I have to stop. Not after New Year but NOW.
It's great to read your story and to see that it is possible and it will give me so many health benefits. Thank you for writing so honestly

Anonymous said...

I am giving up sugar for three months tomorrow. I am badly addicted to it, and want it all the time, after every meal and I can't stop. I am hoping to have a more normal relationship with it after the three month period, although I'm not ready to say I am giving it up for good. Thanks for posting the 12 steps, I am going to look at that.

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