4.30.2016

i'm crazy and I know it

Writing on here has been on my mind a lot lately, and I keep trying to pin down the why to why I choose not to write.

Is it because it's not as popular as the other social media platforms?  Nope, I'm pretty sure that's not it, since I don't write for other people.

Is it because I've been busier than usual? Well yes, that's partially an answer.

Is it because I don't know what to write? I would say that is the closest answer to what's been going on.

I made a video log of why I haven't been blogging, but I just couldn't post it. So in a short, short, short summary I will say this.

I don't really trust myself writing anymore. I won't lie, I really do love reading all the old posts about our kids and family, but at the same time cringe at most things. But the question is, do most people look back and question a lot of their motives and decisions they've had in the past? I'm assuming the answer is yes.

Most days lately Tyson and I have been feeling old. No, not old old, just older. We aren't the family with young kids anymore. Most of my mia-maids and some of my first beehives (girls ages 12-15yrs) are married with children! They are the ones with the babies!!! What?

We fed the missionaries at Christmas and found out that they were both BORN the year Ty and I started dating. That was a real mind puzzler.

So in the midst of softball games, ballet practice, piano, music, activity days, preschool, boy scouts, and church callings, we are living this crazy, beautiful, wonderful life.

The kids, I don't want to jinx it. But they are awesome. I pray everyday thanking my Heavenly Father for the privilege to raise them. *That doesn't mean they do not drive me crahazay almost every other day.* Rodney's new favorite thing is to spit on people, face palm. And Phoebe has turned into a scratcher, something she may or may not have inherited from her dear old mom. Sorry Sarah!

Ty and I are in a good place. I've realized that life and marriage are exactly alike, there are good times, hard times, regular times and heartbreaking times. Right now I will take the good times that we are having  and enjoying. Our 13th anniversary was a few weeks ago and I almost forgot. Ty is the one that woke me up and reminded me! What? We had a regular monday, the kids were especially cranky and needy that day, but we escaped alone to a nice quiet dinner together. Simple things like that really make me happy.

I'm crazy. But at least I know I'm crazy now. I think the scariest part of being a crazy mom is not realizing you are one. I know it, and embrace it fullheartedly. I take every day at a time, and some days I take it 10 minutes at a time. I am grateful for all that I have, and I also realized yesterday I don't have ONE picture up in the house with our entire family before Rodney was born, and he's almost five. gulp.

But I'm getting better every month I feel, and making progress. Reading my scriptures, praying and now meditating every morning have become the staple of my life. I just can't stay focused and peaceful without it. But I meditate lying down in corpse pose, because, well, it's really comfortable! I recommend the app *simply being and *zen mixer. They are both two of my favorite meditation apps.

I'm also attending 12 Step Recovery Addiction meetings with a good friend and love it. I came home one day and Ty asked, "So...do you have fun there?". Um...nope. It's not "fun", but it is essential to me to living a Christlike life, and accessing his mercy on a daily, hourly basis. I really recommend it for everyone, whether you have a serious illegal addiction, or something as simple as gossiping. It can help anyone. 

Ballet only has one month left! It was a great year and I really enjoy working with my girls and my students. I'm super nervous about our recital and praying it goes well, but other than that it's been a delight. I have a ballet teacher training in New York at American Ballet Theatre. That's kind of a big deal to me and has taken up a large chunk of my preparing/mental energy. In one moment I can't believe I got in and get to go, and the next minute I'm swept over with feelings of guilt and selfishness. So you know, welcome to my life.

I will close with these two pictures, which are just two years apart and were the beginning of the end of me having my shizzle even close to being together.

May 2011- pregnant with R
 May 2013- I can't, even. Look, even the picture is crooked hahahaha
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