x's and y's

"So what are you having?"
"Oh, we are leaving it a surprise."

that's all i hear these days. everyone is confused as to why we aren't finding out the sex of the baby. and you really only have about 2 sentences to explain yourself, and how can i?

how can i tell the stranger the reasoning behind not finding out the sex? and trust me, we really are not finding out. we have already had 6 ultrasounds, and 3 of them we had to look away.

it's hard for me to put into words why. does it make any sense? no. it actually makes no sense. if i knew what the baby was i could start planning. i would know what color boppy cover to buy/or get out of storage. and diaper changing table pad, and blankets and clothes and bedding and binkies and toys. and of course, we have 2 girls, so if it were a boy i would need a lot of stuff.

i always thought i would have all boys. my entire life i saw myself surrounded by dump trucks and blocks and smashed toys. and now, i am so grateful that i am surrounded with tutus and dresses and dancing, smiling girls. how could i ever wish my girls were boys? i couldn't. i never have. so it honestly doesn't matter to me whether it's a boy or girl.
my first doctor said it's best to find out because they have had some major freak outs in the delivery rooms where crazy moms were sure it was something else and weren't prepared for the alternative. that is sad, no?

but now, i feel like with this pregnancy the only thing i have any control over is finding out the sex of the baby. really, i don't have much agency or decisions over how things are going, or will go. the doctors call all the shots and we are playing the waiting game. hoping it will be a great,big, chunky, full-term little butterball.

and preparing for the worst. i had a nightmare the other night that we had a 24week old baby. oh my, it was horrible. you would never wish that upon anyone. the tubes, and beeping, and machines, and nurses shuffling feet and quiet knocks on the door. i woke up terrified. but for now, i am holding in there, and enjoying my healthy children as much as possible.

i so look forward to that moment when i look at ty and he tells me what it is when he sees the baby. i want to meet this baby for the first time when it comes into this world. i want to hold it, and love it, and gaze at it and then decide on a name and start make believing what they are going to be like, look like and do.

and that is a small explanation of why we aren't finding out. i can say that we get mucho props from all the ultrasound techs. i think mainly because it is so rare to have someone not finding out, and maybe because they like knowing and keeping a secret. everyone loves secrets right? who knows. have you ever not found out?


Melanie said...

I didn't want to find out with #1, but Billy left me no choice. He told me he was going to find out, and I couldn't see how he would be able to keep it quiet for the second half of my pregnancy, so I found out too. Since then it's been a done deal.

It is nice to prepare, but I think that would be so neat to hear what it is right as it's born.

So, in the meantime, I think we can all be patient. I'm already looking at green baby stuff! :)

Annie Leavitt said...

hey, i love yellow and green baby stuff : )

Stuart Humes said...

We didn't want to know with Stockton, but in the end, I chickened out! I just had to know, so I say, you go girl, enjoy your surprise!

Camrin said...

I think you should do what you feel is right.

We actually didn't know what we were having with #2 (boy). He wouldn't let us see in all the ultrasounds. I am one to want to know. It was sure a neat experience when he finally was born.

Throughout the pregnancy, I thought it was a boy by my feelings. With what the Dr saying that we couldn't see anything, they were giving it a 75% chance of it being a girl. I have to say we were both very surprised when he was a boy. I am very grateful for that experience.

So we had to have the talk with this pregnancy on weather or not to find out. I got my way and found out. Sometimes I wish I would have been more patient and waited. Props to you for looking away so many times during your ultrasounds. :)

Sorry to make this comment so long.

Lauren said...

I just don't think I could be so patient. I'm the type of person who tells what's in the present box while someone is opening it!

It would kill me not to know. But surprises are fun too!

Danna Banana said...

very eloquently put. Brava.

Rawson Family said...

I felt that I wanted to keep my first a secret. I painted the room yellow and got the crib in the room. Then when I went to go pick out crib set material, I couldn't do it, there was to many cute colors for girls and boys and that's when i decided that I had to know. Pulse I don't think I could have gone the hole nine months, it was hard enough to go six months.
Plus I am not that patient, So kudos to you, Your reasoning's are great and I love them.

my name is becky kelly said...

4 times I have not found out and I love every minute of it. I had a crazy woman tell me once "if God wanted me to know what it was before it was born he would have installed a window!" My advise, take it or leave it: Make sure your Doctor (and any assistants) knows that you want TY to announce it, not the Doctor. I loved LOVED hearing Shanan's voice when Faith was born (after two boys) say "It's a ... girl?" There is plenty of time for the painting and buying after the baby comes.
there you have it. -Becky Kelly-

The Richards in Canada said...

We haven't found out with either and don't plan on finding out if/when we have a third. It really is the coolest moment to be told it's a "girl" or it's a "boy" one of the simplest but profound announcments.
We'll be done the end of May! Send me your phone number!!!

Michele and Todd said...

For those of us who had babies in the eighties, we did not get the choice to know. We were just fine with the waiting. I however knew with all of my children what they were and I was always right. I am glad though that I got to have some of both. It is so interesting to have watched them grow up and truly see how different the sexes are! I loved reading your post and truly understand why you aren't going to find out! You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this hasn't been the easiest pregnancy for you!

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