i have confidence in sunshine

the last two days have been blah. blah. blah.

and i feel upset at myself for even thinking about complaining. because in all honesty, i have an incredible amount of things/people to be grateful for. but i'm still down in the dumps.

i weaned off of my meds 2 months ago (what? i know, i had post partum depression and never blogged about it) and have been doing really well. i haven't felt inclined to talk about the ppd because, well, it's personal. but having babies is really hard on my brain, and i get a wee out of whack. so instead of drowning my husband and children in a kiddie pool, i take a small, teeny, tiny, happy pill every night and everyone can sleep safe. tyson included.

so, no meds. doing well. exercise is what helps me get through it all, exercise, prayer and lots and lots of both.  and then a few stressors popped up, and i just can't shake them off.

yesterday i sat in church and on the board were the words, "what has Jesus Christ done for you personally?". and i just sat there. i could literally hear the crickets in the corner of my mind chirping in the dark. nothing. and i was so embarrassed, sad, disappointed in myself that i couldn't think of anything. because there are MOUNTAINS of infinite goodness he has given me. and i just sat there like an ungrateful slob.

but i went to pilates this morning (even though i did not want to work out) and it was heaven. something about working hard and sweating wipes my mind clean. and then Joshlyn called and poor her, i vented a lot of my frustrations onto her. and felt much better (thanks!). and now i'm painting baseboards.

and i know that not all days/weeks will be so miserable. and that i will feel happy again and feel peace again. i am usually a very happy, bubbly person. but maybe it makes another mom feel good to know that i have my moments.

moments where i'm sitting at dinner and the kids are all happily eating and squawking like little seagulls and they are so loud. happy, but loud. and ty is tired and stressed about the house and the property and the trees that look like they have bores, and his Scouts and work and the cars and paying the bills. And in my head i think, "this is it. this is my life." and i'm not happy. and then i want to run away. 

and those aren't really helpful thoughts when you are a mother of four you know?

and i think he who must not be named wants me to get depressed and only think in those ways instead of really opening up my eyes and seeing all that i have.

and when those sad times hit where the Goliath standing in front of me is large, and strong, and a formidable mental barrier, that seeps into all my thoughts and feelings:  i want to be strong, and like David say:
“Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. 
This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth: that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.” 1st Samuel 17:42-46

so today, with a little help, i will slay my Goliath and paint those blasted baseboards.

and tomorrow there will be sunshine in my soul. (or maybe the is supposed to be rainy)


me said...

Thanks Annie
It's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels like heading for the hills from time to time.

Rachelle said...

I have someone in my family who suffers from depression and I hate it, because it (depression and he who must not be named) makes the best people in the world feel worthless.

You and God can do it. I'm totally cheering for you.

Trent & Tara said...

a post that we all have, most moms but don't have the guts to talk about it. It's so very hard. I don't know how to get through every day. I have moments like that at our dinner table sometimes. Prayer and exercise get me through all of it was well. Yes he whom shall not be named wants us to be miserable for sure. Good thing we can always vent to eachother.

Brittany Jensen said...

Thank you for this post. I can really relate to it. Reading your blog, I feel like you are my friend that adds joy to my life, even though you don't know me. Thank you for sharing.

Tiffany said...

I had such a bad day as a stay at home mom today...thank you for posting this because it made me feel like I'm not the only one who has days like that!

Katie said...

Ah, the blogosphere needs more real posts like this. Thank you. I struggle with depression as well, you're not alone, that's for sure. I think it's so healthy to recognize it instead of the usual "If I were a better person I wouldn't be sad" cycle. I'll be thinking of you...

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