this is not a post about my perfect life

you guys, i am still doing Weight Watchers, but i'm totally sucking at it. i wrote this post a few weeks into it but was too embarassed to post it, but alas, i caved. i think i might not be the only one who feels this way:

I’m embarking on week two of a lifestyle eating change and my mind is starting to rebel. My body, on the other hand, seems to be quite happy with the change.  It’s getting plenty of water, healthy food, a chocolate every now and then and lots of fruit and vegetables. My mind is freaking out. Too much change, too much thinking, no free reigns anymore on the eating horse. At every turn I find it looking for a way out. A first they were small, fleeting thoughts like, “oh, those green beans won’t taste half as a good as you think” and “just take a bite, it won’t even matter.” But gradually, over the last several days, they have escalated, and last night I found myself at the grocery store again (sick husband) staring at a marie calendar’s pie for only $4.98. a valentine’s special! I don’t know how long I stood in front of the freezer door looking at the pie and justifying why/how I would need/share this pie with the family. It fetl like an eternity and I gave in and went home with it.  It was ok! I was going to just eat one slice a night for a few nights to satisfy the craving!Right? Riiiggghhhht.

So I sliced a  piece, put in on a plate and added up the kcals and found out one shocking truth: this one slice of pie was  almost 1/3 of my caloric needs for the day, and I had already eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. No worries, I have extra special ones saved up and I’ll exercise more thurs/Friday and Saturday. I had everything under control.

Until I sliced the second piece. It took a lot of mental struggling to justify the second piece. There really was no valid argument. This would just be reckless abandonment of my resolve to only eat one piece a night. And my body was already saying, “whoah, slow down there missy. This sugar is tripping me out” and my mind is saying, “you are  a loser, you will never successfully change, you can’t do it. You are just like everyone else who tried and failed, so just eat it!”  I felt like my mind felt that all of the work and effort the week before was just fine and dandy, but would like to go back to normal asap, no matter what the cost. No matter if it meant tempting me to eat the entire pie that night and start over again tomorrow. Yup, I had almost justified eating the entire goshdarnit thing. And then I remembered a story from Ty’s grandpa recently.

We were talking about world war II somehow, and I mentioned hearing  how desperate the soldiers were to get out of the war. They were tired, hungry, scared and injured. Physically and mentally exhausted beyond all boundaries thought possible. And the solution? Shoot themselves and get out on medical leave. (and of course this thought was inspired from the latest downton abbey series)  “That happened once in Korea…” Grandpa started to tell me, and then  he related how a soldier in his unit shot himself in the leg. But instead of going home on medical leave, he lost his entire leg and was dishonorably discharged. Not exactly the outcome he had planned on.

Ty and I talked about this a lot last night on our valentine’s mini date. How could it get so difficult that you just couldn’t handle it anymore? While a lot of other people  can (but not the majority)?  Ty couldn’t understand it. But I thought, maybe they didn’t have the confidence that they could do it? They didn’t think they could handle one more day of it? Or maybe that they were the only one suffering that bad? And I think this was the crucial point, they felt all alone.

My brother Bill was talking with a fellow surgeon one day at break, who happens to be overweight. They were discussing weight loss and the other Dr. said something along the lines of, “yeah, but it’s different for me, I love this stuff” (he was eating a donut and diet coke for breakfast.) Bill looked at him and said, “you don’t think I love that food too? Bread is like crack to me! But I just don’t eat it.”  (Bill lost weight a few years ago on crossfit and turned himself into a majorly buff dr. dude )

 Other people are fighting the same battle everyday, But at some point, the fighting feels so difficult, the exhaustion so bone deep, the conflict too unfair that your mind finds an insane solution that makes total sense, shoot yourself and get out! Forget about how hard everyone else is fighting, or those who had fought, just get out now. You'll never win, you can't finish, just give up.

And this is where my mind wanders about 3 weeks into a diet change i'm trying. But I’m not getting out. I’m not giving up. That pie is not going to win (although in two days I did eat 5 slices). It is a good fight, and I am going to soldier on as they say.  And I know some may read this and think I’m being over dramatic,  but I would say that person has never struggled with food. Because it is a constant and daily battle for me.  The drug dealer is on every corner, and in every aisle,  and in every commercial, and  I’m trying to learn how to say no.  That doesn’t mean I won’t mess up, but it also doesn’t matter how I’ve eaten my entire life, or how I ate yesterday, because today I am not alone. There are plenty of healthy people who are choosing to do the right choice, instead of the easy and delicious choice. And I will choose for a better me, a healthier me, an addiction free me.

because even if i shot myself in the leg, i'd eventually lose it to diabetes or some other stupid disease that's brought on by crappy food choices.

gargh!