confession: life is hard

the first year we moved back to our hometown, things were more difficult then we had envisioned. somehow those DIY shows failed to mention that most people living in a fixer upper are either, 1. filthy rich 2. d.i.n.k couples (double income, no kids) or 3. crazy.

seeing as we don't fit into those first two categories, 3. fell on us like a ton of bricks. being pregnant for 3/4 of that year didn't help either.  i thought for sure after the baby came things would return back to our "normal".

things didn't return back into normal, they catapulted into pure bedlam.  at my 6 week postnatal appointment my doctor asked me on my way to the room, "how are you!?", and i had to fight back the sobs because there were nurses all around.  luckily, i'm comfortable enough with him that i told him how bad things were. they were scary bad.

we survived. barely.

so here we were a year later with all our body parts functioning and everyone is sleeping through the night. i'm wearing makeup again. i'm feeling happy again, but i realized that even though circumstances change for the better,  adult life is just hard. somehow though, our society thinks that "hard" means something is "wrong".  and we are dead scared that someone might find out that we have problems too. (now i'm not saying we should all be negative nelly's- what a drag). no, i think it's wonderful to accentuate the positive and put our best foot forward. i'm still working on how to do that. (i'm extremely negative all the time, just ask my sisters.)but don't be fake, please please please don't be fake. i can smell fake faster than funnel cakes.

i had a friend tell me, "i don't even read blogs anymore, it's just too depressing". and it shocked me, just because i know that if it looks too good to be true it probably is. but sometimes when i'm over tired or emotional a blog post of extreme perfectness will send me into a spiral too.  we are all these babies in adult bodies concerned that life isn't "good" because it isn't  "easy" anymore. and you'll come across blogs and people that desperately try and fake perfect. and that night you'll lie awake wondering where you went wrong and what you could change to make things better. i think that's when a lot of women turn to food and shopping. i know i used to. a cookie! a cinnamon roll! maybe new clothes! a new car! that perfect ruffled throw pillow! will make us happy. i always thank my brother in law guy for teaching me about the hedonic treadmill. but i'm still human, and when things get crazy i desperately start seeking an emergency exit. heck, just last week i was 99% percent sure that  a new couch* would make me happy and our lives so much easier (ha! what a lie!).

*i didn't buy the couch.

because i remembered this talk:

There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride. -Jenkin Lloyd Jones

let's be honest then: we all have hard days, and (if you have kids) sometimes sleepless nights. my kids fight, sometimes my kids and i fight (gasp! i know!), things are messy 90% of the time, daddy comes home tired, the money ends don't meet. marriage is hard work.  parenting is hard work.   i mean, c'mon, i have had a baby in diapers since I BECAME A MOM. yes, for almost 8 years i've been buying diapers and wiping butts. straight.

 my life isn't perfect, and it never will be. if it was, it would mean that i am dead.  recently family and friendship has taken on a whole new meaning for me.  i have had friends call at just the right time, or come over to visit, or drop off amazing goodness on my doorstep, leave a sweet post comment, facebook message, chat with me at the gym, email, or just wave at me as they drive by. or sisters and mom that stop by when you are napping and lysol your house for you and drop off groceries.

but with all of the hard work and trials and ups and downs, i still laugh every day. i still am grateful for all that i have been given every day. i still try to be a better person everyday. because i know that there is a God. because only a God would send me such wonderful family and friends to take care of me. because He knew that life would be hard, and He knew that we would need each other when he couldn't be there. and i'm trying to be a good friend to others like i have been given. because life is hard for everyone. we are all going through something right now, that you don't know about. i need you. and you need me... not new clothes. (ha! i just cannot resist the snarky sarcasm can i?)

one of my best friends, my mom on her birthday