I've been missing in action

After I finished the Ragnar in November, everyone in my van was ecstatic. Bouncing around, laughing, (of course they napped like I did too) but still I felt exhausted.  Happy, yes, but exhausted. And I had to go to the bathroom all the time. I probably used 100 port a potties in 24 hrs. (Ok, i'm exaggerating, maybe 98). The next day was Sunday and I literally slept all day long.

The next few weeks, it seemed as if I had been run over by a semi.  "You can never run another one of these relays," Ty said,  "if you are going to be this tired afterwards! I was pretty offended, everyone is this tired after one! Over the week though I would see my friends, and they were fine. I was going to bed at 8:30pm for 2 weeks afterwards. And Zumba seemed to be killing me. What was going on?

And then, I was late.

Long story short, the most unplanned pregnancy took place at our household and we were in complete shock. The circumstances surrounding it had us starting out with a 50% chance of miscarrying. Not so good, so we decided to not tell anyone for awhile, especially the kids. They still don't know btw, so thanks for not saying anything. ha. I had to take it easy immediately (no high impact=no zumba) and still am until things are making a little more sense.

Everyone kept asking us about signing up for the Tough Mudder in Vegas this spring. Nope, pregnant. And fun Ragnars this spring and summer! Nope, pregnant. But we couldn't tell anyone, so it was hard to act casual. I even ran into an old friend and she asked, "So are you done?". Ha! How do you answer that one when you are semi/pregnant?

That next week we went out of town and I knew something was wrong. An ultrasound 3 days later confirmed, there was no baby anymore. We were devastated and relieved all at the same time. It was a tidal wave of conflicting emotions. I had to keep getting my levels checked because I wasn't miscarrying "normal". Whatever that means. And a week later my numbers jumped up (this still makes no sense, even after the fact) and I was told I hadn't miscarried, I in fact was still pregnant! And it was ectopic. Insert frowny face.

Alone, with all four kids in the car I had to turn around, drive back to the hospital and get a shot to end the pregnancy. Talk about fun.  I thought I had fun before but this topped it. Actually, the kids were perfect for me, despite an emergency trip to the bathrooms at Cedar Pocket in the gorge. Merry Christmas you old Building and Loan!

Christmas day was, despite everything, wonderful,. I was exhausted from the shot, but not in any pain and the kids had a magical day. Blessing of all blessings!  Actually, I had no idea how wiped out the shot would make me, I thought we were nearing the end of this, whatever it is, and now I'm a pathetic mess. It isn't very fun. I didn't get my crafts done, I didn't make cookies plates, I didn't attend any of the kids' plays or parties, I basically haven't visited with anyone or been social for 4 weeks.  Saying it has been difficult is an understatement. It has been very trying on Ty and me both. I pretty much stay at home sleeping or playing with the kids.

I don't write this for pity, or for help (luckily we have lots of family and friends who have helped a ton). I don't write this to win the "Olympics of Suffering", as my family always calls it. I definitely don't win that. They are so many friends and family members that are suffering through trials every day. I think everyone has "hard" things they go through throughout our lives. We are lucky, I know this trial will end and we have been lucky nothing serious came out of it, other than some fertility problems. Honestly, another pregnancy was very far away (if at all) in our plans, but this has pushed it even further away.

I do feel as though it is an answer to many prayers I have had over the last year about priorities, and plans and the children. A very clear and distinct answer that I am grateful for.

I have an amazing and faithful husband who works hard for our family.  I have 4 beautiful children who have the capacity to be faithful and kind adults. I have a wonderful home, a good vehicle that gets me back and forth and back and forth and an ocean of family and friends who care for me, even when I don't deserve it. We have experienced the most tenderest mercies over the last month. Small acts of kindness that have spoken clearly that my Heavenly Father love me and knows my needs.  And that has meant so much to both of us.


Becky J. said...

Thanks for sharing, Annie. That must have been (and still is I'm sure) so difficult. I've heard many a time from my dad about how scary ectopic pregnancies are and I'm glad you're getting better now. Prayers for you as you continue to heal! Love you! (And adorable Christmas card,too!)

stephanie said...

oh, annie. i am so sorry. what a crummy month. (this is not pity, by the way, just love.) your perspective is inspiring. thank you for sharing it.

and seriously, in the midst of all of that, you sent out christmas cards! you are a winner.

sending prayers your way.

Chandra said...

Thinking of you

Stacy Taylor said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. God's plan for us gave us 2 of the 6 I carried at one time or another...and none of those losses was easy. Be kind to yourself. {{{HUGS}}}

Annie Leavitt said...

Oh Stacy, my heart hurst for you and your family. Thank you for the kind words.

Rosie said...

I wrote a post similar to this a little over a year ago when I miscarried at 3 months and ended up in the ER, but I didn't have the guts to actually post it. I hope you find writing about it as cathartic as I did. Sorry to hear you are going through such a crap situation and I wish you the very best in 2014!

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