lost

i pulled back the covers to my bed last night and asked ty, "the kids are having a great summer aren't they?". he chuckled a "yup" out before his eyes started sliding shut. i sighed as i pulled the sheets up over me and started to ponder. ty was snoring in 12.3 seconds and i thought about getting up to watch tv or read, but i just thought and thought.

the kids are having a great summer. i've tried to let it be as carefree and full of physical activity as i can, with lots of good tv in the mix. last week was "musical week". i told them i don't care how much you watch but it has to be a musical. hahaha, it was hilarious. lucky we weren't even home that long for them to be very bored at all.

i have enjoyed this summer, as all summers. something about having all my chicks home at the same time is endearing and absolutely exhausting all at once. but,

i have lost my routine with the house.

i have lost my routine with the weekly menu.

i haven't sat down to look at the bills or calendar in weeks.

this monday i went through my head in the shower about birthdays and appointments and 'to-dos'. i hadn't done that in a very long time. as the dates clicked by with each thing i realized that my due date for baby number 5 is next weekend. seeing as i've never made it past day of 39 weeks to the dot, theoretically i would be having a baby this weekend. it was such a strange thought, and then two seconds later i started sobbing. i don't sob, i don't cry over emotional hardships, so this was strange. i didn't fight it and as it subsided i realized that things have been a little strange past 9 months.

i'm not unhappy, but i'm not happy if that makes any sense at all. 

i'm just a little lost i guess, and that's ok. 

it does please me that the kids and ty are happy, so there is something. 

thank goodness for that.

*ps* if you are looking for a good "get completely lost in a book and ignore everything book" i just read My Name is Resolute. perfect summer escape book.