motivation or mutilation?

many many a time, when i've found myself post partum and not fitting into my clothes, i have looked for motivation to get "in shape".  and several of those times i have made "vision boards" of what i wanted to look like.  judge away my friends, judge away.

the first few times there was nothing at my disposal to the likes of Pinterest or tumblr. Nope, just your friendly Athleta magazine which I would cut apart and paste super buff moms onto my notebook. And at night I would look at them for motivation and then eat an entire bag of peanut m&m's.

I know, I know.

After my ectopic pregnancy 6 months ago I made another one on pinterest in my "secret" board. I didn't even know they had those until one book club night! So I pinned away all of these amazing chiseled 20 year old bodies like this:

and then, again, ate myself into a chocolate oblivion feeling sorry for myself because i have cellulite on my thighs.

i still can't believe i'm writing all of this down.

so, long story short, I got tired of mutilating myself and stopped looking at my vision board. yes, I kept working out EVERY MORNING and i started getting better at my eating.

actually, my eating has never been this good... ever. when i consider what to eat the first thing i think now is, "How will this make me feel tomorrow?". because guess what? 3 monster tacos and a piece of chocolate cake a good squat session does not make.

for me, waiting to exercise until i have lost weight by eating better would be like never going to church until i was 100% with my scripture study and prayers. DUH, it just wouldn't happen. they go together hand in hand for me.

and so, i deleted my inspiration board and i'm eating pretty ok and exercising and my body is changing! i am getting stronger and i feel fantastic!

have I lost weight? nope.
do i fit into all my clothes? nope.
do i care anymore? nope (ok, a little about the clothes because i love them)

i wake up happy and motivated and clear headed.
for years I would wake up groggy, irritated and depressed, just ask my kids.

i'd say i'm doing just fine without wanting to look a certain way. i guess what i'm saying is, if you are always looking at pictures of fit people (or perfect decorated houses, or new cars) and wishing (and eating) yourself sick because it isn't happening, maybe take a break? let go of those dreams of looking like someone else (or having something else) and start a journey of loving and wanting to be YOURSELF and be happy with what you have instead of what you want.

it's really quite liberating.