reflections

we've been on a disney kick in the car recently. we have it tuned to a disney channel and the cheesy songs come on and everybody sings (including me). fyi: the kids don't appreciate my amazing voice. "That hurts my head mom", or "could you please turn it down?" meaning: me.

anyways, mulan came on and she's singing "When will my reflection show, who i am insiiiiiiiide?" and i've never really thought about that song, except that mulan can kick some serious butt and the misogyny in chinese culture even beats that of our small little town (another post, another day...but probably not). but then i got all...weepy. because i'm kind of having a midlife crisis over here. i don't know if you could call it that but since i exaggerate, then yah, it's a midlife crisis.

i've had FOUR kids. we are right smack dab in the middle of raising the kids, but not having them anymore. it feels as though everyone is having a baby right now (again, i exaggerate, give me a break) and it's not me. i love being pregnant, and i love my babies, so this is a hard adjustment for me. when i'm pregnant or have a baby i feel as though i know exactly what i'm doing and kept busy enough to not worry about "me". who am i if i'm not a mom with babies? that is a scary thought my friends for someone like me.

but today, in my reflection i see the 20 lbs i still haven't lost since pregnancy #5 and more and more wrinkles with every plus 30 year i add on. and anyone who tells you that they are comfortable and happy with their 20 extra pounds (or however more than that) is lying.  Yes, I love my body more than i ever have right now, but it still stinks. I have zero clothes that can fit, or fit well at least. And it just is not a fun party i like to wake up to every morning. I bought a new nutrition book (for athletes, cuz i pretend I am one) and guess what? I"ve just been eating too much food. What??!! Who knew? Oh wait, I guess I did but didn't? I don't know. All i know is, it's time to really buckle down and figure out what the crap is going on in my life.

last night as i went to bed i looked at this picture:

it has been on my bed stand for years and years. I love it, it was before we told anyone we were pregnant with Lucy and when we used to spend all day together, every weekend, every everything! We were blissful newlyweds! ha!  And it kind of stunk because i'm not that young, spunky and vivacious person anymore. I think I've turned into one of those bitter mothers. And instead of facing what's bothering me I just let it morph me into kind of a, cough, {hag}. You know what I'm talking about, the ones that talk about other people and tear them down to make themselves feel better? Yah, i think i do that a lot. face palm.

I want to be that person that gets to go hiking with my husband for an entire DAY and doesn't worry about the kids. I want to be that friend that is always positive and happy and can make you laugh. I want to be fun and vivacious and not cranky and tired. Side note: I've had a headache for a week and half so maybe writing a blog post was not a good idea. SO long story short, I don't think alone when as a mom i can admit, "I don't really know who i am anymore". I'm not pregnant, and I don't have a baby anymore, but i do have four amazing little monkeys that are pretty awesome (they really are) and we have a great time at home and together. And sadly (or not sadly?) most of that came from a tremendous amount of SACRIFICE from me. I sacrificed my body, my skin, my brain, my sanity, my time, my talents everything for having children. And yes, I'm finding a way to balance it out, because neglecting yourself entirely is a recipe for disaster. But I guess what I'm saying is, it's ok if I don't know exactly who I am right now, other than a mother. I am a dancer, an athlete, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, and a teacher. I have been giving countless opportunities to become better every day, and I {try...cough cough} to take full advantage of every one of them.

being a mom is the hardest and at the same time the best thing i have ever done in my entire life. and I have a weird feeling that it will always feel this confusing to me. sometimes i wish that I didn't really have a lot of things that i enjoyed doing before kids, because i  think maybe it wouldn't be sad every time i couldn't do them? but then i remember, someday the kids will be gone and i can go snowboarding, and travel and have a lunch in the middle of the day with adults. and i'm sure i will miss the kids while i'm doing it all.

if you stuck in all the way to the end of this post, you deserve an award.