pregnancy notes- 1st trimester

we now go to Cub Scout pack meetings, I know right? it came so quickly. and of course, Rodney loves it. last night at cub scouts I remarked that my friend's baby was spitting up, and an onlooker looked at my growing belly and asked, "are you ready for that again?" to which I happily and joyfully chirped the reply, "of course, why not?".

the energy in those questions and comments I receive now remind me SO MUCH of how I used to view pregnancy and newborns and toddlers and all the physically hard demanding parts of parenting. I saw everything negatively, as pressured, I was trapped, like it's a burden. maybe because I haven't had a screaming toddler for 5 years, or a baby in 8 years, or maybe because I haven't been pregnant over 12 weeks for 9 years, but I really don't feel that way anymore, and I'm not worried about it either.

I cannot express the joy, gratitude, peace and overwhelming peace this pregnancy has given me and blessed our home with since day one.

during the first trimester of this pregnancy I have been writing down all of my experiences and how different it is. I do believe some of it is because we've had such a long break, so a lot feels like the first time, but I also believe it's because of the positive mindset and tools I have in my emotional toolbox that help me stay centered calm and present.

For example:

WEEKS 2-8:
I always know when I'm pregnant pretty early, and this time was no exception. We had finally felt safe and secure enough to try again, and fully realizing it could take a long time to conceive again or never happen at all. I felt ok with all of it. I was a little surprised a week later when my boobs felt full on top and on bottom. That's always my first sign, regular boobage hurt before my period is just sore on top, not underneath. weird right? I also was tired already. For the first time in the history of my marriage, I did not take a pregnancy test until after my missed period. It was the strangest feeling, I knew I was pregnant and didn't feel like I needed a stick I put in my pee to tell me. I've never trusted my body like that before...ever. I always was taking the test at the earliest time possible, and plopping down $$ for the superdeeduperreliable test you can take 7 days before your period. This time I finally bought one after I missed my period just so I could show Ty. I think he knew already too without us talking. We were both surprised at the timing, "WHOAH, ok here we go" kind of feeling.

We also both quietly, and without communicating, were reserved and guarded.

I didn't want to get too excited. I didn't want to see the heartbeat or an ultrasound. I didn't want to make doctor appointments early, last year after my miscarriage I kept getting reminders for all of my pregnancy appointments and, ugh...no bueno.

My whole goal this pregnancy is to trust my body and listen to it. I want to feel safe, secure and peaceful the entire time. For me that meant waiting to call to make an appointment until I was 8 weeks along.

Weeks 4-6 were just exhaustion. I drank a few more diet cokes than normal and started going to bed at around 9pm (sometimes 8:30!). My breasts started to feel full and tender, (very tender and very full) right away. I still felt fine around food etc, so it was pretty easy to keep to my normal schedule and it wasn't hard to pretend that I wasn't pregnant around the kids or anyone else.

Weeks 6-10 is when the nausea was full blown. It was exactly like my pregnancy with Rodney, just constant nausea but no puking. I had a hint it was another boy with this because the girls were constant upchuckage during these weeks.  When the nausea hit I was SO EXCITED.  I didn't realize last year that I wasn't really experiencing any real or solid pregnancy symptoms like this. Ty was so happy that I was sick, I was happy! It made my day to wake up and feel sick, I'm not joking.

As it's not my first rodeo, I knew right away I had to be prepared in the morning. I couldn't just get up, brush my teeth and meditate, pray etc. I would slowly get out of bed *so important, and walk straight to the bathroom. I would pop two prenatal gummy vitamins and slowly chew them. Some weeks I kept them by my bed so I could eat them before getting up. After that I always ate right away something with protein and carbs. My favorites were:

*greek non fat yogurt with cherries in it and some lakanto sugar on top.
*cottage cheese with red grapes and almonds
* slice of toast, buttered with jelly and scrambled eggs on top

After I ate I could start my regular morning routine. Another thing that helped with the nausea is my tongue scraper, I swear it helped keep a lot of the icky taste out of my mouth all day.

The best thing for nausea though? Was just accepting that I was nauseated. The only thing worse than feeling sick to your stomach is NOT wanting to feel sick to your stomach. I really think it affects you when you struggle against what I happening. I was able to stay centered and grateful my body was making extra hormones and taking care of baby just as it should, all I had to do was stay focused and calm. (somedays weren't so easy).

There were days when the heat started to hit, but luckily we had the most mild May and June. We had family come into town the end of June and we had 4 days in a row of swimming and travel and hiking in the heat. I finally had to tell my sister in law because it was frustrating how tired and cranky I was and just uninterested in staying up late. We still hadn't told anyone else though. I kept ginger chews in my purse, water and Diet Coke would help in the evening. Other than that, I felt puffy and squidgy but it wasn't noticeable to other people...yet.

Weeks 8-12

I had to eat around every 30 minutes a few bites of something to keep the nausea at baby. Week 8 I called the doctors office finally. The funny part when I called is she made my regular 10 week appointment with a nurse practitioner, and at 14 weeks I'd finally meet with the doctor. After I hung up I couldn't figure out why I was irritated. I finally realized it was because I've been "high risk" my last 4 pregnancies and had special treatment. Early appointments, blood tests, early ultrasounds, they would "squeeze" me in last minute all the time and hold my hand.

And here, after months and years of letting my ego go, letting the need to be special go, wanting and praying a healthy, regular pregnancy without special attention or needs...I'm finally having one and...my ego missed a little bit of the attention. Isn't that funny? I laughed when I realized it.

Week 10-12 is when my pants were getting too tight, my hormones were full blown so I was constipated and gassy and cranky and going to bed at 8pm and sleeping in. Dinners were cereal, mcdonalds or frozen meals from the grocery store.  I think I drove into town once all summer for groceries. I was pretty much just stuck at home. I started to feel the duldrums of not wanting to travel or do anything fun plus constant nausea that made me worried. Luckily a good friend reminded me anyone would feel a little depressed after 2 months of feeling sick and tired. Bless her heart.

 Luckily it was summer time, but even the kids a few times were like, "why don't you wake up early anymore?" or "why don't you go outside anymore?".  Nice things about kids is that they are pretty selfish and self centered so they didn't notice too much how different I was. My hardest job was taking them swimming. We had all of these grand plans to take the to the Mesquite rec center fun pool and my mom and dad's pool all the time, but the heat. Oh...the heat. If I got too hot in the car just driving to the pool, the nausea was intense the rest of the day. So bless my kids' hearts, we maybe went swimming 5-6times? maybe?

I finally started taking unison and b6 at night around week 10 for the nausea. This helped tremendously for the next day. I took that until week 13 when I realized I was feeling better. What I did notice is that the unisom caused me to be more stuffy than normal (another early pregnancy sign for me is stuffy nose). And I mean, so stuffy I couldn't sleep. So getting rid of the unisom was awesome.

At week 12 I felt a little sigh of relief that things were going well. The 10 week appointment showed everything "textbook perfect" with a strong heartbeat and good ultrasound to check for twins. I could have SWORN my boobs were big enough already for twins. hehe.

I didn't feel out of the woods for surrendering that this was really happening, and still felt myself staying cautious and reserved. We still hadn't told the kids or anyone else. I did enjoy just Ty and I knowing another spirit was growing and coming to our family. It was a special time.

My meditation sessions totally stunk during this trimester. But...I still kept at them. I still showed up every day. I could see how my hormones made my thoughts go around like a plastic garbage back in a dirt devil. Just all over the place, kind of how they used to be before I started meditating. But I was patient and just accepted this is how it is.

For me, having a healthy pregnancy after two losses has been almost like surviving a plane crash. You're in the hospital, and a little wounded and a lot tired, but you just feel so grateful to be alive. You feel guilty complaining about anything because you know of all the other people who didn't make it through the crash. Who lost family members. You realize the odds of this miracle happening are pretty slim, so you just keep your mouth shut and count your blessings. Ty was most patient with my hormone fluctuations. He smelled HORRIBLE to me from week 6-12. I couldn't stand his breath or his touch around 75% of the time. He helped out a ton in the kitchen with food and groceries and dinner. He rubbed my feet and smiled and we both secretly hoped in our hearts we wouldn't have to experience a loss again, but also didn't want to get too excited about the baby.